A Very Chrimeny Christmas Special

(An expansive living room is filled with holiday cheer. A large Christmas tree dominates one corner. A mountain of presents surrounds it. The fireplace has two small stockings on one side, while on the other, is a giant pink stocking that hangs down to the floor. On the large television, "It's a Wonderful Life" plays quietly. Christmas music plays in the background. Sitting in a recliner is Lelani Faulkner. She's been the friend/personal assistant/babysitter of Chrimeny Christmas for years. She sips a glass of egg nog while trying not to look to her left. To her left is a giant fort made out of couch cushions and blankets. There's maybe 5 couches in the whole mansion. Yet there's enough cushions forming this fort to support 20 couches. She has no idea where the extra cushions came from, and doesn't want to know. The tranquility of the moment is shattered by the sound of a quiet voice from within the fort.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Lelani?

(With a sigh, the poor assistant looks over to see a face peering out of the fort. Curly, blonde hair is swept away from the eyes staring at her. Lelani can't see all of her boss/friend/whatever, but can easily picture her sitting in the fort in her pink, footie pajamas. Pajamas that had to be specially made for her child-like employer.)

Lelani: Yes Chrimeny?

(There's some shifting within the form before an envelope is thrust out from the confines of the cushiony castle. Lelani takes the envelope and sees that it's addressed to Santa. Again? Another letter to pretend to send out?)

Chrimeny Christmas: Mail this to Santa. He needs it as fast as possible. Otherwise he'll still get me what was on the last list and I don't want that stuff now. I want the stuff on this list.

Lelani: I'll mail it off.

(Lelani sits there holding the envelope. Chrimeny looks at her in a puzzle manner for a moment. She sighs loudly hoping to get her attention. She clears her throat. Nothing. Tension fills the room. Finally it's more than Chrimeny can take. Her voice goes shrill and whiny.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Why are you just sitting there?! Santa needs that letter now. Go mail it! Why can't you guys just do the simple things that I ask and stuff? I'm totally being mistreated and that's not okay because it's almost Christmas! Santa is going to be mad at you if you make him bring me the wrong stuff.

(Lelani sighs and stands up to walk off. Chrimeny's whining rant continues as she heads out of the room. Finally Chrimeny calms down and is now alone with one of her plush friends. Inside the fort with her is Mr. Sealy. A stuffed seal who used to have a graduation cap on. Now it's just hard pieces of whatever held the cap on that covers his head. She didn't like that he could never wear another hat if he had that one and so she tore it off within a week of owning him. He's the stuffed animal she trusts the most. He's always been there for her and usually has great ideas. Though, sometimes he gets into mischief. Like the time he tried to drink her fruit punch and got his head stuck in the glass. She's still not sure how Lelani and Daniel got the red out of his fur. Or how he re-grew a broken whisker after.)

Chrimeny Christmas: It's almost Christmas Mr. Sealy. Are you as excited as I am?

Mr. Sealy: .....

(He stares back at her with lifeless, black eyes. She nods in agreement with whatever he supposedly said.)

Chrimeny Christmas: I know totally. Speaking of which, are you still sad that the OWF rejected your application years ago?

(In her mind he looks way sad right now over this. In reality his expression doesn't change....he's a stuffed animal.)

Chrimeny Christmas: I can't believe they are prejudiced against plush tag teams. You guys would have been champions. Harmful To Children is the greatest tag team to never enter a professional ring. Hey...wait...

(It's only now that she realizes that she's lost track of his tag team partner. Panic fills her features as a chill runs up her spine. How could she have been so wreckless. That stuffed bat, Battle, has been plotting against her for years. She's untrustworthy due to having a plush, little, black heart in her stuffed body. She could be preparing an attack on her and Mr. Sealy right now and Chrimeny wouldn't be prepared at all. Her lip quivers as he eyes scan the room. It's now she spots the location of her treacherous, plush nemesis. On top of the tv sits a large, beanie baby bat. Evil, lifeless, black eyes glare at Chrimeny as if trying to do her harm with just the power of a nefarious, bean filled mind. Chrimeny jumps in terror, clutching Mr. Sealy tight against her curvy frame. Why does Battle torment her so? Why can't she just be a buddy?)

Chrimeny Christmas: Uh...hi Battle. We were just talking about your guys's tag team. You totally could've been the bestest tag champs to ever tag champ. (No response. Battle just sits there. Staring coldly. Plotting. Chrimeny struggles to control the lack of comfort that bat brings her. Chrimeny turns to face a camera in an effort to push away the fear. It's only now she remembered that this is supposed to be her Christmas special and that a camera is on.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Do da da doo dada dada doooo Christmas Special. Wow that's a great theme song for my special. Hello OWF peoples! Merry Christmas. It is I, the Pretty Pretty Princess Champion, Chrimeny Christmas!

(She gets so excited she stands up without remembering she's in the cushion fort. The fort explodes...okay so it doesn't really explode, but some cushions are totally displaced into a formation that is definitely no longer a fort. She raises up a belt over her head. It's made of cardboard. Sure enough, it says "Pretty Pretty Princess Championship Title" right on it in glitter. You can't dispute her being the champion when she has a title afterall. She looks at what she's done to her fort and begins to pout before glaring at the stuffed bat.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Battle! How could you ruin my fort like that? That's just mean. Mean I tells you.

(She's about to start into a tantrum, but for once manages to stop herself before it begins. The most willpower she's ever displayed. When you're a giant child in your mid 20s this is called progress. Yeah. Progressio as the Italians probably wouldn't say. She sets her amazing belt down with Mr. Sealy.)

Chrimeny Christmas: So CJ said I could be on TV. So like here I am. For your viewing pleasure. Though I don't know that TV is very good for you. I guess it's okay though since I'm the one on it and I'm great for everyone. So I wanted to share my super Christmas time cheer with everyone and....HI MOXIE!

(She get's sidetracked and shouts for the only wrestler on the roster that she knows while jumping around. The two had met in SCW. Well, metish.)

Chrimeny Christmas: I hope you're having a great pink hair dye Christmas time...even though you once hung out with a girl named Harley who smoked. I'm trying not to still hold that against you even though it's really not good. Bad even. Not cool. I heard you had an album or something out. Why would somebody buy your home photos? That's kinda weird. Anyway I know you missed me. I am your hero afterall. So hi.

So what was I saying? Oh yeah, so like Merry Christmas OWF. This show is to bring you holiday joy. Over the next 6 hours I will be showing you some of the greatest....wait 6 hours? That doesn't seem right. Hmmm...let's not worry about time cause I don't wanna do that much work and stuff. Way too much. So how about I get right to the last act of my awesome spifftacular Christmas special? For the world's viewing pleasure I've put together a great night of wrestling. So without further aduel I present you with OWF Aducktion!

Click Here for the Most Amazing Surprise Episode of OWF Aducktion EVER!