A Very Chrimeny Christmas Special

(On a table there's an OWF arena set up. It's made from cardboard, legos, plastic cups, yarn, and popsicle sticks. There are two paper dolls behind a cardboard desk. They look like Nick and Bobby. She does their voices the best she can.)

Paper Bobby: Welcome to another addition of OWF Aducktion! Tonight we have a great show for you that I will commentates as pleasantly and politlely as possible.

Paper Nick: I'll be here to be drunk on yucky alcamahols and be rude cause I'm a sad meanie with a lack of bladder control. I am going to use naughty words and show peoples why I shouldn't be allowed on the television. That's what I do right?

Paper Bobby: Right you are Nickster. Gee I'm a swell guy for putting up with you.

Paper Nick: That you are...I mean you smell funny.

Paper Bobby: It's called deoderant. They make that these days you know. Breath mints also exist. Neat isn't it? Let's get to the actions!

(Chrimeny hums some music and suddenly a paper doll walks...okay hobbles awkwardly down to the ring. That's how paper dolls walk. It's Chrimeny Doll. Chrimeny Doll bypasses the ring and heads over to the announcer table where Paper Nick Burst hold a paper glass of booze larger than his head. Chrimeny Doll looks unimpressed...or looks just the same if you are still thinking of it as just being a paper doll. It's called an imagination people. Use it.)

Chrimeny Doll: I can't allow this to continue Paper Nick. You set like a bad example for my super special fans and I don't appreciate that kinda thing.

Paper Nick: But Chrimeny Doll I love you. You are the best thing to ever exist on the planet. I am a terrible person because I know I can never be you.

Chrimeny Doll: That's true.

(Does this stop Chrimeny Doll from solving the problem? Sure doesn't. Chrimeny Doll jumps into the air and is smashed down on top of Paper Nick until he's just a crumpled mess that is swept off the table by the real Chrimeny's hand.)

Paper Bobby: Thank you for freeing me Chrimeny Doll. You're the most fantabulous person ever.

(Chrimeny Doll shakes her head...well her whole body. Paper dolls don't really have joints.)

Chrimeny Doll: I'm sorry Bobby McGee, but you let him have that baddle behavior for too long. You are so grounded. Please excuse yourself. There will be no commentary tonight as you helped to ruin it for the rest of us. Bad bad bad. Wrong. Bad.

(Paper Bobby hangs his head in shame and hobbles off the table. With that business handled Chrimeny Doll leaps into the ring to the cheers of the fans...or to Chrimeny breathing hard to make it sound like millions of cheers if you want to be a jerk about it.)

Chrimeny Doll: Hi everyone! It's your hero. Once again I have saved you all from the worst fate ever...having a bad time. I just wanted to tell you all to have a Very Merriest of Christma....

(Who would dare interrupt the bestest paper wrestle chick ever? That's right. It's paper doll versions of NFB. They all have scars and beards drawn on them in sharpy. A couple of them are missing teeth. The "why" is never addressed. They are taped together so that she can hold them all at once in one hand. To make things easier on herself they all share one voice. A serious voice because they are super badass...excuse my language.)

Paper NFB: We are the New Kids on the Freaking Block and we're here to throw people off of bridges and talk...and we're all outta bridges.

(Paper Chrimeny looks confused for a moment.)

Paper Chrimeny:...so does that mean you're here to talk? Interrupting isn't very politeness you know?

Paper NFB: Oh we know. That's part of our many character flaws. We're too street to be all polite and stuff. We just do what we want cuz that's dope. Yaknowwhatwe'resaying? Yeah. Go us. We gots the right stuff. Oh oh oooh oooh. One of us is totally gonna have a little brother who becomes a famous actor. Another of us will end up on a reality show. We're goin places yo. No one is better. Look at our dance moves.

(They dance about by shuffling one direction than another in an impressive display of paper choreography. Paper Chrimeny stares at them blankly.)

Paper NFB: Yeah, we showed her. High Fives! Go go ghetto shuffle!

(Just as they are about to go after our paper hero another person steps out onto the top of the ramp. It looks just like Greg Jackson in a priest's outfit. Paper Greg isn't about to let terrible things happen to the beautiful Chrimeny Doll.)

Paper Greg Jerkson: I'm Greg Jerkson and I'm here to find Jesus! Superkick superkick!

(The paper bejezus is kicked out of NFB. It chops all their heads off in one and a half kicks. A normal person would have to kick at least 4 times, but his kick is Superior gosh darnit.)

Paper Greg Jerkson: No need to thank me greatest person ever. I'm just glad I could help.

(Suddenly he looks lost and begins to walk aimlessly about. Luckily the Paper Perrys come hobbling out. Zack's face is just a mess of crayon markings to the point of being unrecognizable cause scars make you look cool. Paper Nick has a big, pleasant smile cause he's a sweet guy.)

Paper Zack Perry: Do no worry Greg. I am here to put you on the path. What you want to do is walk forward rather than in a circle like you are doing.

Paper Nick Perry: That's why so many people listen to my dad. He's a smart guy. Instead of being able to wrestle he just uses the power of his mind. He even taught me how to put on my pants yesterday. I hope to tie my shoe tomorrow.

Paper Zack Perry: See this is why you need to protect him Greg. He's my special little boy.

(Paper Zack starts to choke up over the emotional, verbal description of his son, but manages to recover.)

Paper Nick Perry: Go Team Dirty Movie!

Paper Greg Jerkson: Thanks you guys. I loves you. Hey where's that masked fiend/super good pal Juicy Williams?

Paper Zack Perry: Speak of the devil.

Paper Nick Perry: You really shouldn't speak of the devil daddy.

(An envelope flies in and Juicy Williams, wearing a juvi mask, jumps out of it and lands next to them all as the envelope is dropped to the floor from the height of table.)

Paper Juicy Williams: Ta Da!...I mean like grr I don't like you guys. You keep trying to help me be a better person and give me title belts. Buncha poopie heads!

(Everyone seems shocked by his language. Chrimeny Doll looks saddened by the abrupt use of a dirty word.)

Paper Greg Jerkson: Don't be that way buddy. It's like Zack was saying the other day...Superkick superkick!

(Greg loses control of himself and accidentally superkicks Juicy in half.)

Paper Greg Jerkson: Oh no, not again.

(Poor Greg just couldn't control his superkicky urges. That happens when you have so much power in one of your legs. He begins crying while the Perrys try to comfort him. Out of nowhere Paper Freedom King swings in from a piece of yarn and hits the Impressive Display of Terrorism. Greg flies off the table to his doom.)

Paper FK: Mwahahaha say you want a resolution! Cause I totally just resolved that situation. Being a good guy is awesome.

Paper Chrimeny: Uhm...you're not a good guy.

(Paper FK looks confused by this.)

Paper FK: Wait...I'm not?

Paper Chrimeny: Nooo. Why are you even confused by this? You're poor. Therefore a smelly criminal. Plus you lead other criminals.

(Freedom Kid Doll doesn't look convinced.)

Paper FK: Are you sure?

(Just then Paper Nick tries to avenge Greg, but is taken down by FK with a head scissors take down that literally cuts his head off.)

Paper Chrimeny: See? You totally just did something bad.

Paper FK: When?

(At this point Paper Chrimeny is exasperated.)

Paper Chrimeny: Just then. You know what? Tell him Paper Moxie!

(Paper Moxie hobbles out. Paper Zack just watches things unfold from the background.)

Paper Moxie: She's right. You're not cool. Also, I'm mildly irritated by what you just did to Nick. So prepare to face PINK JUSTICE...yeah that sounded cool.

(FK and Moxie enter into furious paper doll combat. Okay really they are just smacked into each other a ton until FK falls down.)

Paper FK: You got me. Ow. This doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. Just saying. Aklhnalkdjalkdjlkajsdlk

(That last sound was him dying slowly after his defeat by Moxie Doll. Obviously. Paper Moxie jumps up and down happily.)

Paper Moxie: Yay my title is defended!

Paper Chrimeny: Ahem...

Paper Moxie: Oh and pink justice for Nick. Yeah totally just did the right thing and stuff. I'm am totally the second bestest ever. Someday I hope to be as good as you Chrimeny. You're my hero.

Paper Chrimeny: I know.

(Paper Chrimeny gets sidetracked by some paper flowers that are in the ring for no reason.)

Paper Zack: This will not do. I feel bad about my son dying in the ring. Very upsetting stuff. Take this Moxie!

(Yet he makes no move to attack Moxie. Instead a paper doll of Eclipse steps out and hits Moxie with a paper bat repeatedly until she's a crumpled mess.)

Paper Eclipse:.....I'm so scarred....talking...hurts...bad person...punished...

(This is when Paper Kid Donkeymo makes his move and comes flying at Paper Eclipse. She merely slides to her left and he flies off the table to his death. Presumably to join a bunch of his dead paper exes in paper heaven...well maybe not paper heaven. Paper Pledge hobbles out and walks past everyone before leaping off the table as well. Paper Ray Lopes doesn't even bother showing up to join them. Meanwhile Paper EJ Slayer stands off to the side.)

Paper EJ Slayer: I don't want anything to do with OWF. That's why I showed up here.

(For some reason Paper Doc Hollowman is twice the size of the other paper dolls. He strides out and steps on Paper Slayer. It doesn't even slow him down. Out of his jacket falls Paper Jackrabbit.)

Paper Doc Hollowman: It's a cold day for pontooning and now EJ Slayer knows that. It's a testament to days of old with coal miners.

Paper Chrimeny: Do you always speak in weird riddles?

Paper Eclipse:..not hurt Doc. He not bad...

Paper Doc Hollowman: Does the doctor make the pepper 1649?

Paper Jackrabbit: It is my belief that the good doctor just has a difficult time expressing himself in a manner that most people can comprehend. He does say that you are quite beautiful and astute Miss Christmas.

Paper Chrimeny: Finally, someone who makes sense. Thank you.

Paper Jackrabbit: Oh you are most assuredly welcome. Now let's be careful or my former friend, UnTalonted might strike from the shadows. A most regrettable set of circumstances I assure you.

Paper Zack: I have to design some horrible death trap of a match in hopes that it will kill lots of people for the greater good. See ya.

Paper Everyone: Bye!

(With that Paper Zack just walks away unharmed like always. This is when Ataxidermist, Some Dude With A Job, and Trent Steal drop into the picture without having even been walked in. Most likely due to laziness on Puppeteer Chrimeny's part. Walking paper dolls around all the time can become taxing afterall.)

Paper Ataxidermist: I'm a really gross no good baddy.

Paper Some Dude With A Job: I'm a not so gross no good baddy.

Paper Trent Steal: I used to be a no good baddy, but with Paper Chrimeny as my inspiration I put money in my bank account and started being a good person. So I'm a success story now. Yay me. Hooray for Chrimeny. She's so dreamily amazingness. Watch what she taught me everyones.

(Paper Trent Steal rams the other two and they fall to the ground dead. That's the power of goodness.)

Paper Trent Steal: Yay. See. That was for you Pretty Pretty Princess Champion. Now I'm gonna go hit on Eclipse. We're just alike. Both inspired by you.

(Paper Trent hobbles over to Paper Eclipse.)

Paper Trent: Hey baby, wanna compare scars?

(The two are are attacked by Talon carrying a pencil. He erases their faces to death.)

Paper Talon: Jackrabbit that isn't a very nice nickname. I have feelings too. Prepare to be erased like these two paper fools were.

(Everyone left rushes each other into a big paper melee, but an explosion hits. You know it's an explosion as Chrimeny makes explosion noises while tearing them all up and tossing their pieces everywhere. This is when Paper Evil DellaCrud stumbles out.)

Paper Evil DellaCrud: Why do people keep thinking they can have fights on the playground without me? No matter what I always show up. Jeez. Oh hey Chrimeny.

Paper Chrimeny: Hi Evil. You should learn to be nice. Just a thought.

Paper Evil DellaCrud: I can't decide what I want to be. So time for fillabrustering. Ahem...I'm going to talk for a long time and no matter what's going on I'm going to make it about me. The reason is I know I'm the best. I'll always be the best. It's totally my year you know. Named it after me and everything. That's how it's obvious it's mine. Twitter twitter twitter I'm not bitter.

Paper Chrimeny: Did you just say you were the best?

Paper Evil DellaCrud: Don't worry. I don't mind repeating myself. Yes, yes I did. I'm am the best. I'm the cold hearted B..

(Paper Chrimeny plugs her ears and screams so as not to hear that dirty word again.)

Paper Chrimeny: That's it Evil! I've heard enough. Time to show you who the bestest is you no good, foul mouthed, naughty person! HIIIIIIIYAAAAAA

(In extremely slow motion Paper Chrimeny flies out of the ring to attack, but misses as out of nowhere Redemption shows up and kills Eva's friends, family, and pets. She immediately falls over from the series of attacks against everything she's ever known and he didn't even have to touch her.)

Paper Redemption: I've analyzed everything about her and determined this to be the best course of action because I wear a mask. Man I wish I was as cool as you Chrimeny. Then I could show my face. Can I have a hug?

(Paper Chrimeny ignores him as she stews over the fact that he interfered with what she was doing.)

Paper Redemption: Pretty pretty please?

Paper Chrimeny: Uhm how about no you big jerkhead! I should beat you up for being such a terrible, yucky, stinky person who does bad stuff. You cause people to have a bad time and that is so not cool.

(Paper Redemption drops to his knees and cries.)

Paper Redemption: Sob sob sob. I'm so sorries. Sob. Can you ever sob forgive me sob sob...did I mention sob?

Paper Chrimeny: No I can't. I'm not even going to beat you up. Now go to your room and be sad that Santa won't bring you any presents this year. You're grounded. For shame! Never interrupt me again and stuff. I'm totally having pity on you. Merry Christmas.

Paper Redemption: Thank you for your kind holiday words and for not beating me up in front of the world. Merry Christmas. My heart grew three sizes today.

(He hobbles off happily to his room where he's been banished to groundation. Paper Chrimeny dances about in celebration.)

Paper Chrimeny: Winner and still the bestest wrestle chick ever....MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(The paper doll of Chrimeny is set down gently before the real Chrimeny moves to where the camera can see only her beautiful face.)

Chrimeny: And that ladies and gentlemen is the true meaning of Christmas. I know you enjoyed tonight's program. Merry Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you unless you're poor. Well okay you can have a merry Christmas too, but you're on thin ice people. Goodnights!