Quite The Little Helper

(A pink Rolls Royce makes it's way through afternoon traffic, attracting attention from those who cross its path. The owner of the vehicle is a woman with an affection for the color pink. Why else would she own a vehicle the color of a famous, medicinal drink? Her name is Chrimeny Christmas. Why would someone's parents name them Chrimeny? It was probably the first swear word they said when she was born. Ken and Belinda Christmas never did explain to their daughter where her name came from. She's just lucky she happens to like her name. Sitting in the backseat of the automobile, she takes a sip from her water bottle.

So far day has been extremely boring. At the urging of her two assistants she actually went to the office. Aside from bossing a few people around, it was a less than stellar time. Her outfit is a slim, white dress and a pink jacket. The dress of course is not very form-fitting. She's not a tramp afterall. The expression on her face shows how unenthused she is about the ride back home from the office. On the plus side the driver has learned not to try and make conversation with her. He's the help afterall. She shouldn't have had to break him of that habit.

Without realizing it, she begins to play with one of her blonde locks silently. Sighing she wonders if anything good will happen today. That's when she sees it. Someone needs her help. Finally. She begins bouncing in her seat excitedly before shouting at the driver.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Driver stop now! There's a man who needs help!

(The driver pulls off to the nearest curb. With the car parked, she opens the door.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Open the trunk! Hurry!

(She practically leaps out of the car before circling to the rear of it. Quickly she pulls a fire extinguisher from the trunk. Without even bothering to close it, she sprints off in the direction of the trouble. She will save him. She just has to. After sprinting about 30 yards she stops in front of a park bench. A man in a gray, 3-piece suit sits on the bench. A cigarette dangles from his mouth. He lights the zippo in his hand and moves to raise it up towards his mouth to light his enjoyable cancer-stick. She shouts at him in a worried manner.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Mister don't do it!

(He pauses and looks at her in an odd manner. It's obvious she's kinda weirding him out a bit.)

Man: Do what?

(Then he moves to light the cigarette again. Again she yells as if his life is in danger.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Don't do it! You're gonna have a bad time!

(At this point he's just annoyed. He speaks to her in a normal volume of voice, but the tone within it is bitter.)

Man: Go away you dumb broad. You're ruining my lunch break.

(Surprised and angered by his tone she turns and walks away from him. A soft smile forms on her features. The man, seeing that she is gone, lights his cigarette and inhales deeply. After a long moment he exhales. Finally he can relax. He feels a tap on his shoulder. Just as he turns, with his cigarette in his mouth, he sees the fire extinguisher. He sees it for a split-second before it smashes into his face. It knocks him from the bench to the hard sidewalk. The cigarette flies from his mouth and spins a circle on the concrete. A white heel puts out the fire hazard slowly. Chrimeny looks down at her handiwork. Her devilish smile contorts into a smile that feigns concern.)

Chrimeny Christmas: I told you. You wouldn't listen. I explained that you would have a bad time. I was just trying to save you. Spare you the pain that having a bad time can cause.

(The fact that he wouldn't listen is frustrating. Why do people have to be so dumb? The smile leaves her face as the anger wells up within.)

Chrimeny Christmas: What was so wrong with wanting to you help you? All you had to do was heed my warning and thank me, but nooooo you had to be the big shot. You had to think you had it all handled! You had to be mean to me! What's wrong with this world? Why can't a person just be nice and help people? Why won't you people just let someone help you? I know what's best damnit! The next time someone is trying to save you....have the decency to let them do it!

(The man still lays there motionless. She's sure he heard her eloquent points and will take them into consideration in the future. With that she takes her extinguisher and begins walking back to the car while talking to herself.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Gosh, saving the world is a tough job. It's a good thing I'm so darned good at it. Any normal person would crack under the pressure. I'm so...hey isn't there a shoe sale today?

(Realizing there's a sale today at her favorite store she scurries off to the car. Shoes are heavenly afterall. Three closets full of them is far from enough.)