Chrimeny: Of course there's no possible way I could be a suspect. I'm not poor afterall. Everyone knows all criminals are dirty, poor people. I really wish the government would listen to my idea of marching all those smelly, poor people into camps. It would probably solve all the world's problems if they were "removed" from society. I wouldn't even have to spend my time saving the world anymore.
(She basks in her thoughts of a world without the evil, poor element that constricts around its throat like a bitter python. Mr. Sealy sits across from her. He stares blankly from his lifeless eyes while she begins to type something up.)
Dear Law Encorfement Type Peoples,
Being as I'm the only person you don't suspect, and the fact that I spend my time trying to save the world as you do, I feel I am the only one qualified to help you with your suspect list. This is of course regarding to the shooting of one Ethan Frost. Though I'm taking care of my responsibility by helping you with your case I feel you have already made a grave mistake in not arresting Frost himself after he was shot. I do hope you'll be taking him into custody very soon. Afterall he is poor and a gangster. Which of course means he's a criminal. To let that kind of scum still walk the streets and poison your city is both regrettable and disgusting. It's a mockery of justice. No onto the list of suspects and the reasons behind them being suspected:
Bianca Autumn: Though she is my biggest fan, and can do amazing and impressive things with paper mache (which might I add I want to learn how to do), she is also mean and bad. She goes to the vet just to kick puppies. That's just wrong. Along with that you should know that she may be pregnant with Frost's love child. Of course it might be Hexx's child. I also heard something about Triple X running a train. Don't you have to have a license to be a conducter? Anyway I think it would be wise for you to not only question her, but also give her a thorough medical examination. Gloves would be advised. Still I advise you to bring tear gas and tazers when you go to question her because she is extremely violent. You should see the damage she does to paper mache dolls. Oh and tell her hi as she is a good friend of mine. Though I fear her obsession and stalking of me may turn dangerous. I'm enclosing a video in which she makes a paper mache likeness of me and destroys it. I'm afraid that my telling her I would not date her has caused her to want to kill me so no one else will have me. Poor girl.
Alicia Skye: I would check the scene of the crime for chest hairs matching hers. Don't let her fool you with the blonde hair on her head. Her chest hair is as black as the night. As for her motive that's easy. She's looking for a replacement lackey to Lucien and Frost turned her down. She's a bitter veangeful woman. She is also on the video from earlier so it's obvious she has a bad violent streak and temper. Also the night Frost was shot she was seen having an altercation with Frost earlier in the evening and Lucien later in the evening. Many of the people in the locker room saw. Dig deep into her past. Even if she somehow didn't kill Frost she has probably killed someone. Look at the cold cases you have and try to find a pattern within them. You may just find her handiwork.
Lucien Novak: He may have found out about Skye's proposal of dirty sex and servitude to Frost. Being as he is her lap dog he would have flown into a jealous rage and killed him. On the scarier side she may have just asked him to kill Frost. He's is extremely obedient to her to the point where it borders on complete brainwash. Also it is rumored he may have been purchased from a criminal, sex-slave, trade ring. It is also rumored that Triple X may be the criminal masterminds behind the ring that sells people as sex toys.
"Wild" Miles Kendrick: He's wild.
Cyrus Cage: He's all extreme and stuff. Extreme enough to shoot someone as an initiation into Impeccable Elite? I think so. So should you.
Moxie Roxie:The former head cheerleader turned punk rocker could have definitely pulled the trigger or been involved. It's not that she seems to be a bad person or a criminal, but she is intelligent and skilled in a fight. Maybe trigger skills are also in her arsenal. That sounded clever didn't it? I thought so. Also have you seen the stylish, yet punkish way she dresses? Also she religiously dyes her hair in an unnatural color. What is she trying to hide by hiding her true hair color? Anyway she's also rumored to have a female friend named Harley who smokes. Need I say more? Still she's probably lower on the list of suspects, but I think you should be as thorough as possible.
Patrick "Audioguy" Lew: Did you know he is Asian? Did you know his woman is a mix of white and latin? It's true. Though that isn't important to the case it's something they like people to know as much as possible. Yep yep. Plus did you know he shoves his woman around? I bet he's probably been shirtless on an episode of cops. Guarenteed if he was it was a domestic violence call. I would use extreme caution in apprehending him for questioning. He may be a gangster rapper and may think he's a ninja. He may have tried to kill Frost over an eastern hemisphere/western hemisphere rap feud. Like those Biggy and Pac guys.
Ashley Lohan: She's not even in SCW yet, but she did have the bad judgement of hooking up with Lew. If Lew is involved in the shooting you can guarentee she was forced into it by him too. Or she may be trying to kill his competition off to help him. Plus I overheard Hexx say something about Ashely and Frost meeting secretly behind Lew's back. Oh and her last name is Lohan. Think about that.
The Dragon Drew Ryan: A dragon who can draw shouldn't have a problem also firing a gun. Plus who hasn't read all those fairy tales and stuff. Dragons are evil. Watch out for his fire breath.
David "Knuckles" Arceo Speedwagon: He spells out the word "a@s" alot. Plus he pinoys the reppin 650 and doesn't play with them foos. I'm not sure what that means, but it could possibly be secret code for attempted murder. Plus his nickname is Knuckles. He's probably some kind of loan shark. Frost may have owed a bookie money and good ole Knuckles decided to collect the debt in blood.
William Boden: Isn't he the guy from the hotel commercials who says "We'll leave a light on for you"? Which means he's some kind of actor. Might want to find out if he's currently pretending to not have shot Frost.
Davis Young: He shoots a lot of pryos in his entrance. What else does he shoot? He's preparing to leave for Mexico very soon. Why is he so eager to leave the country? Could it be he's trying to escape the law after shooting one of his enemies. He seems obsessed with Alicia's chest hair and may be trying to remove anyone that comes between getting a shot at her in the ring. Plus his mom dresses his funny and anyone who is still dressed by their mother when they are like 40 is someone with a severe mental disorder.
Hexx: He is a gangster and the closest friend of Frost. You've seen the old Bogart movies. Gangsters always end up killing off those closest to them. Plus Frost has been stealing his spotlight. Plus my Hexx doll talks with a lisp when I play paper dolls. That's always a bad sign. Who says "bishes"? I mean really. Also maybe he figured he'd have the perfect alibi since he was the one who called 911. Sure he doesn't seem very smart, but even dumb people can be good at something. Plus he is also poor and thus a criminal. I hope you bothered to check if he was armed when you went to the scene.
Ethan Frost: Yeah you're reading this right. How do you know he didn't just shoot himself? I would be extremely tempted to shoot myself if I was a poor, smelly criminal doing my best to ruin the lives of productive members of society. It makes total sense. Plus I also heard that he was rumored to have argued with himself earlier that evening.
So there's your list of suspects. Now I have another list for you. Now I know you don't suspect anyone on this list because we are productive members of society who aren't vagrants, but I feel you should have their information on file because it looks good for the paperwork.
Chrimeny Christmas: There's no reason for me to be on the list. I know I'm not even remotely close to being a suspect with all the contributions I've made to helping this poor world we live in. So we'll just skip onto the next person.
Jackson Shaw: My cute bodyguard could not possibly have shot Ethan Frost. He was playing paper dolls and tea party with me. He plays a mean game of paper dolls. Besides he's a bodyguard which means he protects bodies not shoots at them. Plus have you seen his hair? It's really cute. He's like a big teddy bear and he's fun to play with. He's too busy watching over me like a beautiful, guardian angel to be bothered with the likes of Frost. Isn't he dreamy? Damn straight he is.
Fitz: He is just a friendly quiet guy who only cares for others to be happy. Plus he's an animal lover. He's also in love with my friend Holly. He's just a big sweety. The two of them were home when the stuff happened. Probably drinking tea. People who drink tea don't shoot people. They're too civilized. He owns a slip and slide. I know I bought it for him. Who goes out shooting people when they could be home slipping and sliding in their backyard I ask you?
Melancholy Holly: Melancholy people don't shoot other people. Besides why would the Queen of the Desert need to shoot someone? That's right she wouldn't. The woman owns an entire shoe store that I bought her. Why would a woman who owns more shoes than god go and shoot some guy? No woman with that many shoes could ever get that angry.
In closing I just want to say I am glad we have law enforcement officers out on the streets protecting the beautiful, productive of members of society from the vile urchins that try to ruin our fair city. Be sure to check into all the suspects I have listed for you and make sure you watch the tape of Bianca and her friends engaged in violence. Oh and tell Bianca I do love her, but as a friend and nothing more and that one day she will meet someone special, but it's not going to be me. Still her and her friends are extremely dangerous and always armed to the teeth.
Make sure to have your weapons ready. I've heard them talk about how they have attacked cops because they hate the law and think cops only eat donuts and harrass people. That officers are just a waste of tax money and nothing but jerks. If they make any quick movements I would open fire. Wouldn't want to end up like the cops they talked about burying where no one could find them. I would hate to see anymore of our respected boys in blue to disappear because they didn't think Bianca and her friends were a violent threat. Oh and you might want to tear apart their houses in a search. I hear they keep trophies for the cops they've killed.
Anyway I'm glad that I could be of service to our lovely city and help out our city's finest. Have a great day and enjoy the cookies I baked that I'm sending with this letter and the video.
Sincerely,
Chrimeny Christmas