Funeral For A Duck

(Chrimeny Christmas' entire household is assembled on her well-groomed, front lawn. Her two personal assistants, Lelani and Daniel, are dressed in black and find themselves surrounded by a sea of stuffed animals dressed in black as well. They don't manage to mask their boredom or annoyance very well. Chrimeny, wearing a pink dress with a matching veil walks up to a podium and looks over to a shoe box that's decorated with glitter and stickers. She grabs a tissue and wipes her eyes a moment before speaking. Tears, mixed with mascara, are streaked down her face.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Dearly...beloved and stuff, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Ducky. Ducky was a good duck. We'll always remember his playful laughter and the way he'd always try to swim in the sink. That poor duck couldn't even swim, but it never stopped him from trying. Ducky like loved life. Life...yeah. He loved cracker jacks too. I mean, who doesn't? They have a prize and taste good. Now our happy little duck is gone. Leaving us behind to question why? Why in your infinite wisdom lord did you see fit to have an evil moron on a trampoline strike down our poor ducketh?

(She stops for a moment as she gets choked up. The loss of her stuffed duck seeming to have gotten the better of her emotionally.)

Chrimeny Christmas: I can only believe it's part of God's master plan. Ducky is in heaven and has left behind a purpose for me. Through his sacrifice my purpose in this world has been strengthened. I will make this world a better place. I will save the world from itself. I will not let no good baddies take anymore innocent, plush lives. I swear this on the grave of our fallen duck! El Generico will RUE the day he crossed me! Rue I tell you! RUE! He's made a mistake by messing with me...oh and by killing my duck and stuff. That too. Anyway there's refreshments inside. Thank you for attending. Daniel, get a shovel.

(If it were up to him he'd just burn the stupid duck, but it's not. He gets a shovel while Lelani takes up the vigorous task of moving all the stuffed animals inside for refreshments. Chrimeny carries in her little white seal, Mr. Sealy, and her BLACK (not purple and blue hehe) bat, Battle. As she walks in with them she carries on a private conversation between the three of them.)

Chrimeny Christmas: Good point. I am saddened that Bianca didn't make it for the funeral. Why she couldn't just catch a quick flight over from New Orleans I don't know. If she ever actually answers her phone when I call, I'll tell her how hurt I am by her absence. Yep yep.

(After seeming to listen to the stuffed seal she shakes her head.)

Chrimeny Christmas: No Mr. Sealy, I won't be partaking in refreshments. I'm not very hungry. I'm too sad to ea...hey we have smoothies! I love healthy, fruit smooties.

(She suddenly catches herself realizing she's not supposed to be hungry. That stuffed duck or whatever died.)

Chrimeny Christmas: I mean, I couldn't stand the thought of food right now due to my incrediblest sadness. Yeah. Wanna finger paint?

(With that she heads to her arts and crafts room. Yes, she does have a room for every activity she enjoys. With that her and the two stuffed toys sit down at a table. Their lifeless eyes staring forward into nothingness as she not so skillfully applies paint to paper with her slender fingers. Her intense expression of determination soon gives way to exstatic joy over what she's painted. She begins pointing things out. First thing she points out is a pink stick figure with what appears to be a title belt of the same color.)

Chrimeny Christmas: That's me holding my Pretty Pretty Princess Championship belt. I am the Pretty Pretty Princess Champ afterall. I just gotta make the belt again. My last one fell apart. Don't worry though, I'll make a newer, more spiffy one soon.

(Then she points to a red stick figure that appears to be eating a really gross-looking, green hot dog bigger than the size of its head.)

Chrimeny Christmas: That's Bianca eating a bad hot dog. I think that's why she didn't come to the funeral. I think her tummy was hurting from eating gross stuff like that. Yucky. See how she also has a Chrimeny Christmas t-shirt on? It's super coolness that I'm her hero. She needs one of those role model thingies. She made the rightest choice ever in picking me.

(The next picture is a green figure bowing down at Chrimeny's feet. Its eyes are Xed out to apparently show the figure is knocked out or something.)

Chrimeny Christmas: That's that dirty, evil, nasty, not very nice, bad person El Generico. Here he's realized the error of his ways and has bowed down to bask in my awesomeness. He will bask I tell you. Yeah. Course he's not conscious cause I still hit him in the head with my belt just for being so not good.

(There is nothing else in the picture other than a smiling sun. She points at a blank spot.)

Chrimeny Christmas: That spot has both Micher White and that Jufer Nothing guy. White finger paints don't really show on white paper for some reason. That's the only color that guy could be in. And Nothing I figures should be drawn in nothing. Makes sense. Am I the smartiest or what? Yes, yes I am. So here they are holding hands. They are so alike, I figure they are best friends forever. In this picture they're on their way to collect sea shells at the beach, but stopped by to tell me how great I am. They're so thoughtful. You know, it's really hard being everyone's greatestest hero. Good thing I'm so gosh-darned good at it.