How To Do Your Job

Dear Mr. Corporatus Homonomonin,

I'm writing you in regards to a few problems I've seen with how you run SCW. Don't worry, I'm here to help you solve those problems. I have a list and I'll go through it with you in this letter and let you know what you can do to fix these problems. The first problems is your referees. Did you just pick these people at random off the streets and offer them a bottle of wine if they came in and called matches? They have no clue what they are doing and they are biased against me. Just the other day I was in a match, doing my job, and this ref guy just starts being a big meany. So I like manage to start doing good and stuff and finally get that Eileen O'Rierry chick in my finisher and the ref gets all upset. He gets this evil look on his face while calling for the bell. Sure he gave me the win, but then he attacks me. He put his hands on me. He grabbed me and pulled me away from her. It was just downright unfair and stuff. He said something about her being unconscious, but I think it was code for him telling me he hated me and wanted to hurt me. You need to instruct your people not to touch me and to learn to do their jobs right. They should know they are dealing with the bestest wrestle chick ever. You make sure they call the matches right. Oh and if they touch me again I'm gonna have to contact my team of lawyers.

The next problem I want to help you with is the locker room situation. Mine is too small. I know you want to make sure I'm comfortable because I know how important I am to you and your league. It's not just the size that's the problem. I require a few things be in it. For one I expect that when I come in that there be fresh, fruit smoothies prepared and ready for consumption. Also there should always be a basket with arts and crafts supplies. I'm talking glue, a variety of glitters, construction papers, and a blowtorch. Yes a blowtorch. Nobody ever lets me have a blowtorch. I want one! Oh and I need a set with an ornate table and chairs with a tea set. How can I have tea parties if I don't have this stuff? I can't very well haul all this stuff around with me everytime I come in to wrestle.

I only joined wrestling so that it could help me save the world. Your job is to help me do that. I need everything to be the perfectest it can. With that said there are other problems. For one, look at the people you've hired. There's poor, smelly, evil criminals, robbers in masks, girls who don't wear enough clothing, people who draw dark circles on stuff, baddies who have no escape from their own naughty ways, and a wombat. These people should all be marched into camps to "separate" them from us protective members of society. Poor people are evil. They must be stopped and removed from the world. I'm not sure if wombats have a form of currency so they should just be in the zoo. One time I went to the zoo. It was just full of dirty animals and a couple pretty ones. Kinda like SCW. Poor me. I'm a pretty pretty princess and I'm surrounded by filthy animals. Please hire better wrestlers. Oh and fire all these ones. That'd be super good. Thanks.

Oh, and one more thing, every month there should be a special Chrimeny Christmas day in SCW. There should be a big chair for me to sit in and everyone could come out and tell me how special I am. Plus there should be a parade. Just make sure no one tries to touch me with their dirty, dirty hands. Oh and we should stop selling food and drinks to the fans. What were you thinking with that anyway? Don't you know they could throw or spill something? They could end up getting a stain on my spiffiest of spiffy wrestling outfit. So like get on this stuff. Okay so there you have it. These are the ways to fix your league and make it better for everyone. So you get on making these corrections and I'll continue to be what causes you to have a paycheck. It's a fair trade.

Sincerely the bestest wrestle chick ever, and your favoritest person,

Chrimeny Christmas

P.S.: You now owe me $5,000 as a consultation fee for me helping you fix SCW.