Blowtorches Are Like So Much Fun

(Chrimeny Christmas sits in her ridiculously, oversized bathtub. Her curvacious body is covered in suds from the bubblebath. On top of her head is a large pile of bubbles that almost looks like a crazy hat. In one hand she holds the rubber ducky that the Wonderful One sent her. In the other hand is a Barbie that looks quite a bit like Bianca Autumn. Her assistant, Lelani Faulkner, watches as Chrimeny makes the duck and Bianca fight each other for bathtub supremacy. It's been a long couple of days. In her mind every bit of it is Chrimeny's fault. Why did the Wonderful One have to give her a blowtorch? What good could ever have come from that? Lelani wonders if his conscience will bother him once he knows the set of events his gift led to.

It all started when Chrimeny brought the package she got from him home. Before Lelani, and her other assistant, Daniel, knew what she was doing she was decked out in a set of pink coveralls and a pair of protective goggles. Somehow, though it defies all odds, Chrimeny suddenly decided she was Miss Fix It. The woman has never done anything herself in her entire life and yet she suddenly thought she could make repairs to things around the house. None of it actually needing repairs of course. With blowtorch in hand she walked through all thirty rooms of the mansion looking for things to fix. She started with the kitchen. A room she couldn't find her way around in even with a map. For some reason she decided the blender wasn't working right. How would she know? She's never even operated it before. So took the torch to pitcher on it and melted it all over the counter. A mess Daniel got stuck with cleaning up. He most likely had to use a chisel.

From there she proceeded to her office and "fixed" the stapler. Yeah, she fixed it so well it was fused to the desk. Then it was all six bathroom sinks, a podium, the trampoline in the backyard, a pair of roller skates she's never worn, and a pair of socks. Socks that had to be quickly extinguished because she torched them while they were still in the drawer. It took the entire payload of the fire extinguisher to put that one out. While the two assistants were playing the fire fighting home game, Chrimeny had proceeded to the main living room and had decided the couch suddenly looked crooked to her. That's when the real fire came. Her panicked screaming brought the two exhausted assistants in to see the entire room ablaze. Chrimeny managed to grab Battle and Mr. Sealy before the assistants dragged her out of the soon blazing mansion. Both assistants were then ordered back into the fire to save stuffed animals. Daniel ended up with a burned hand. Both were affected by smoke inhalation. Chrimeny felt it was a necessary sacrifice. They managed to save about twenty stuffed animals.

That's when fire fighters showed up. Chrimeny, hysterically crying, and throwing a tantrum, told the fire fighters there were still at least ten people inside. What she didn't tell them was that those ten plus people were stuffed animals. She told them what room to go to. Two more animals were saved at the cost of one fire fighter's health. Chrimeny wasn't the least bit phased that he had been seriously injured. All she cared about was that two of her precious, plush friends were saved from the blaze. It's been twenty four hours since the horrible fire. Already Chrimeny has bought, and moved into, an even larger mansion. This one having 45 rooms. Out front Daniel is currently trying to keep track of the thirty large trucks in the driveway. Each truck containing a mass amount of items Chrimeny purchased through the phone and the internet. To sum it all up, Chrimeny would still have the blowtorch, but somehow in a matter of six hours she managed to use up all the fuel in it. The only small blessing in all of it. Now she's playing in a bathtub like nothing ever happened.)

Lelani: Chrimeny, you do realize the fire chief is looking at pressing charges against you for criminal negligence?

(She plays a bit more before stopping to answer with a puzzled look?)

Chrimeny: I didn't do anything.

(Lelani practically screams at her.)

Lelani: Didn't do anything?! Your actions led to the serious injuring of a person. What the hell is wrong with you?! You sent the firemen in after stuffed animals!

(If it weren't for the fact that Chrimeny is so helpless and really doesn't understand anything, including, probably, the difference between right and wrong, Lelani and Daniel would have quit and left her to fend for herself. Unfortunately she really doesn't know any better. Like a child.)

Chrimeny: Darn straight I did. That's like their job and stuff. To save people.

Lelani: The fire chief doesn't consider stuffed animals to be people.

(A sour look forms on Chrimeny's features upon hearing this.)

Chrimeny: Is he some kinda fleshist? What do you mean not considered people?

Lelani: Fleshist?

(What the hell does that mean?)

Chrimeny: You know a fleshist? Someone who is prejudiced against people not made of flesh and bone. Stuffed animals are people too. They have rights. I should sue him for discrimination!

(Lelani's jaw practically drops to the floor. Chrimeny is way further gone than she had thought. She knew she was pretty much insane, but she has to wonder if she isn't just warping further.)

Lelani: Don't you care that a fireman is in the hospital because of you?

(Chrimeny shrugs and has her Bianca Barbie riding on the back of her rubber ducky like it's a jet ski.)

Chrimeny: No. That's one of those, occrupatiental hazard thingies.

Lelani:Occupational hazard?

Chrimeny: Yeah an occrupatiental hazard. Look. It was obvious that fireguy was poor and stuff. So he had it coming. I will give him some credit though. He did manage to save Squeakers and Mr. Scrappers. If all poor people were this productive the world would be a better place. He could die now and it would be okay. He served his purpose in life by saving my friends. So there's no use for him anymore.

(Lelani is practically stunned by the statement, though deep down, part of her almost expected it. She can't bring herself to say anything.)

Chrimeny: Besides, none of this is my faults. I was doing a spifftastic job of fixing things around the house. I never knew I could be so handy. Everything was fine. I think something went wrong with the blowtorch. I think it was like sabotaged and stuff. We need to find out where Battle was during all this. I don't trust her. It might have been her.

(Now she's blaming a stuffed bat for the whole thing....great. What kinda paranoid retardation is this? Of course nothing is ever Chrimeny's fault. It's amazing she didn't somehow find a way to blame the fireman for the fire since fire is in the name of their occupation. She goes back to playing. Making engine noises for the duck she has the Bianca Barbie drive it through bubble caves. After a moment she suddenly stops.)

Chrimeny: I need you, or Daniel, to make another run to the store.

Lelani: There's not enough stuff in all those trucks outside? What could you have forgotten?

(A quirky smile spreads across Chrimeny's face.)

Chrimeny: Another blowtorch.