(So I'm like sitting here and three people that may very well be my enemies are across the room from me. Just watching my every beautiful movement. I've long felt that Scruffy, the angry stuffed creature Fitz left in my care, has hated me. Ever since I met my stuffed bat, Battle, I've felt she's been plotting against me. Now Hauer has added another plush person that may be out to get me.....Lucy, the stuffed, pink platypus. She came in by special delivery last night. I don't like the look in her eyes and stuff. My assistants said I should just toss her out then. I can't just go tossing a plush person into a dumpster just because I don't like where she came from. What kind of monster would that make me? If she were human and poor, sure no problem, but she's not. She's plush and defenseless. As she sits there staring at me I can only hope she's as defenseless as she appears. I grab a tape recorder and press record before holding it up to my mouth.)
Chrimeny: Note to self, self you are awesome and beautiful and stuff...oh and yeah, don't let either of these three stuffed "friends" of mine be in my room when I go to sleep. Also, self, you are SO cool.
(With that I press stop and go back to what I was focused on before I god sidetracked by the schemes of traitorous animals and my own awesomeness....Blonde Ambition. My number 1 fan, supporter, and cherished friend, Bianca, received my letter detailing my injury at the hands of that no good Hauer and the paralysis that came as a result of said injury and stuff. She's coming to visit me. I've already had Lelani prep one of the rooms in my mansion for her to stay at. We're gonna have so much fun. We can't play dress up since it takes forever for me to change into my clothes each day due to being stuck in a wheelchair, but there's lots of other stuff we can do. We can give each other make overs, watch movies, go shopping, talk about my greatness, and have a tea party. It'll be great. Unfortunately her tag team partner hasn't converted to Chrimenyism. I like that word. I really should be a religion. Anyway, she's like all against me and stuff.
Apparently she's been trying to track me down. What did I ever do to her? Okay besides all that stuff years ago, what did I ever do to her? Exactlies. So she's looking to do something bad to me for no reason cause she's a big jerky, poopyheaded, hairy chested, yucky girl. Along with that that Conchica Visquickeras chick wants to hurt me over what the Pink Ninja did. Like I have any control over what a super cool, secretive, bad butt ninja from the 37 Hecks does. Add on that Hauer is trying to find ways to cause me more problems and things are getting bad. Hasn't he done enough to me? I'll never walk again! Does he think sending me a stuffed animal I can't trust is going to give me my legs back? Cause it won't. Cause the body doesn't work like that. I know. I asked my doctor that at 3am this morning. For some reason he didn't seem real pleased to hear from me when I called. Someone ought to give him a cure for grumpypantsitis. Sheesh. Anyway so it's like all these people are out to get me. Does everyone hate the handicapped? Do people just lay awake at night fantasizing about beating up attractive, rich, defenseless cripples? I press record on my little tapey deal again.)
Chrimeny: Note to self, call the corporate office and have someone put on gathering statistics for hatred of the handicapped. Oh and make sure they don't tell my assistants. They seem to think the company's employees have better things to do as part of their job descriptions than doing personal favors for me. Where the heck did they get that idea? Idiots. Nobody has anything better to do than what I ask them to do. They aren't personal favors anyway. I own this branch of the corporation so whatever I decide they should do is business related cause I'm like their boss, duh.
(I press stop again. Now what should I do about all these bad peoples trying to harm me? I can't do much from my wheelchair. Woe is me. That sounded good even if it was in my head. I'd say it outloud, but I don't like to repeat myself even to myself. Does saying myself twice in the same sentence in my head count as repetition? Maybe I should have someone look that up for me. I should just have the Pink Ninja take care of all these no gooders. Oh well, I'll worry about all that later I guess. I need cheering up till Bianca gets here to cheer me up. I should see what Friday's up to. She talks neat.)