Documenting Greatness

The door bursts open as an irrate Chrimeny Christmas walks through it hastily. She's followed by her assistants as per usual. Her voice is loud and grating as she isn't bothering to control herself vocally.

Chrimeny: That no good Platehead!

She throws herself into a chair angrily and pouts.

Chrimeny: Stupid fancypants thinks he knows everything. He doesn't you know?

She grumbles to herself a bunch before Lelani comes over to her. She leans down with a weak smile.

Lelani: Forget about him for now. It's not worth your time.

It's obvious her words are only bringing Chrimeny closer to a tantrum. Quickly, she changes the subject.

Lelani: Didn't you have some letters you were gonna write?

For a moment Chrimeny broods before her expression starts to transition into a big smile. She practically jumps out of her chair in excitement.

Chrimeny: Oh yeeeaaah! Quick, pen and paper peoples!

Her request is immediately granted and she gets to work on it immediately.

Dear Bianca,

I am so happy to have finally found you again my bestest friend. That no good Alicia has tried to keep us from talking and stuff. It's too bad you ended up on the other side of the country. I know cause I checked the map. Twice. I would have sent a gift with this letter, but I'm stuck in this dumb hotel by a stupid guy who calls himself a plate. I'm pretty sure I'm like a damsel in distress. I so need a hero.

It's been a long time, but I know I'm still your favoritest person and you're still my number 1 fan. I think it's been more than Alicia who has tried to keep us apart. I think Daniel is being a stupid head. Probably because you rejected him last time we spent time together. Well enough about you and your awesomeness in loving me. Let's talk about me.

So I am up in Canadia...oh wait...I guess I'm not exactly across the country. I just found out...again...that I'm in a different country. I mean I knew that. Yeah. So I'm in Canadia and they have moose here. Isn't that weird? I want to get a stuffed moose. So anyway, I'm wrestling again so that I can share my amazingocity with the rest of the world. Amazingocity you should be basking in again once more. I found you through my Chrimeny sense going off. It totally alerted me to you being back. You really should have sent a postcard. I mean I know they're tacky and everything, but I mean COME ON. I know you miss me. So yeah. I'm up here being a winner and having a great life other than Platehead trying to make me do stuff that doesn't make sense. All he cares about is making shirts and pants match and talking on his cell phone all the time.

I look forward to you writing back and praising my awesomeness and resuming our oh so wonderful friendship.


The Bestest Wrestle Chick Ever,

Your Hero,

Owner of the Chrimeny Sense,

Master of Cullinarial Arts,

Lover of Plush Friends,

All around Great Person,

Chrimeny Christmas P.S. Feel free to call and stuff.

She folds up the pink paper and places it in a pink envelope before writing the address on it and setting it aside. Then she goes to work on her next letter.

Dear Alicia,

You are a horrible person. Why are you like that? I mean honestly, it's sad. I once sorta almost had high hopes...well medium hopes for you. I mean you should be at least almost cool since you are tag partners with Bianca, but somehow you're not. Is it your nasty, black, chest hair that makes you be this way? I'm really like trying to understand it. I just know you are so gross. I mean really really really gross. You should totally shower...more than once a year. Poor Bianca.

I know you've been keeping me from talking to her. It's not my fault I've been a better friend to her. If you were not such a no good baddy you would see that. It's only a matter of time before she remembers this fact. Then you may have to find a new tag partner. I hope you clean up your act and get on board with this. Otherwise you are totally going to lose the second best tag partner you could ever have. Of course I'd be the best you could ever have, but I so totally would never tag with you because you are a jerk. Sorry I had to use such rough language, but it's true ya know. So so true. Sad but true. Did I mention true? Sure did.

So stop interfering with me and my bestest fan and friend. It's not nice. Stop being smelly. Stop being an all around yucky person. People want to like you...okay, you got me, no they don't. Still, stop it. Oh and tell Bianca hi for me.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you in poor health. I really hope you eat some bad jello and like choke on it. If you do please get it on camera. I hope your chest hair continues to grow until it snags on an escalator in a crowded mall and you have to be saved by a sweaty, poor person who steals your purse. I hope all your clothes not to fit and you end up defeated by a shrinking turtle neck. Please become handicapped.


The person you wish you could be,

The Pretty Pretty Princess of Powerbomb,

Yeah, that sounded awesome,

I am so better than you,

Chrimeny Christmas

P.S. Eat a dumpster. It would so improve your breath.

She tosses it in an envelope and seals it before writing the address on it as well. She stands up and hands them to Lelani.

Chrimeny: Make sure these are mailed overnight. I want them to get these right away.

She yawns and stretches before walking towards her room.

Chrimeny: Gosh dang it! I wanted to write Fitz too, but I'm too tired. It's time for my nap. Don't let anyone in. Don't take any calls. I don't want my dreams to be interrupted.

With that she goes into her room and cuddles with some stuffed animals before falling asleep.