Dear Mr. CJ guy,
I'm writing you this most special of letters on my super, pink, Pretty Pretty Princess stationary because I'm like totally concerned about the OWF and stuff. You did a great thing in hiring me, but you have followed that fantastical decision with putting me in a match with yucky blood followed by a match against a walking, talking Batman villain. A really dirty one at that. Asphyxia is a terrible person. He's poor, doesn't practice good hygiene, and wears that yucky mask. Then there's his disgusting personality. I mean, c'mon, gross. I almost threw up in my mouth a little just writing about him. Instead of putting me in a match with him you should just fire him so he can go back to living in a dumpster. Sure, I wanna make the world a better place and stop no good baddies, but there's got to be some kinda limit. If I punch him I'll have to throw away my glove after. That kind of terrible isn't gonna just wash out afterall. I've been here like a whole month and you keep doing this stuff to me. Why are you being such a big jerk face?
I decided that maybe you just needed some help. Never fear for I have lots of great advice for you. How did you manage to keep this place afloat before I got here, I mean honestly? I totally sounded British there. So, yeah, advice. Let me fix the OWF here with the stroke of my Powerpuff Girls ink pen. I told you how you could solve the whole Aturkeya problem. So let's keep looking at personal problems...did I spell that right? Of course I did. Why would I even question my amazing mental capaci...mental facul....my amazing smart brain? Yeah that sounds right.
Freedom Kid: My super dreamy...I mean tag team partner. You really need to give him one of those raise things they mention in movies. People are confused because he's not rich enough to be considered not a poor, smelly criminal. For the record, he doesn't smell bad. If he got paid more people wouldn't be having this problem. Plus it would totally make it look like I wasn't slumming. Also our relationship is a secret so shhhhhhh.
Moxie: Track her down and hire her back. She's a super big fan of mine and deserves another chance. She's also a snappy dresser.
Greg "I Wish My Kick Was As Good As Chrimeny's" Jackson: Make him be fun again. He's all like seriousness and stuff and it's a drag. I know he's having a tough time arguing with that guy named after furniture polish, but he needs to just beat that guy and get back to having a good time.
Pledge: You should make him go to medical school. Dr. Pledge has a nice ring to it. Plus then he might use less naughty words when saying things like cranium. Also make him go back to his old look. I saw a picture the other day. His new look is stupid. Really really stupid. Also could you make him seem less constipated when he makes appearances?
Lorenzo DeFranco: I'm thinking you could employ a censor when he talks. Also I think he would do really well if you gave him a segment on the show each week where he does the weather. People respect that kinda thing. Also maybe he should have gone to college with his brother James DeFranco. Someone told me the other day that he was really smart. Why didn't James let him go to college too? Seems like a not very nice brother to me. Why do people have brothers and sisters? What do they get out of it? I'm just curious because I've never had any so I wonder if it's worth it or not.
Jessie Williams: That's totally how his name is spelled. Someone should fix it on the official website. I already fixed it on wikipedia for him just today. You should get him a sparkly outfit with lights on it. That'd be sweet. I think it would brighten his day even when he loses a tag match. I think he needs a hug. Not from me per say, but definitely from somebody. CJ you should give him a hug. If you don't show him some kind of caring tenderness he could end up on one of those commercials where Sarah McClocklington sings to pictures of sad puppies. Don't let Jessie become a sad puppy. That's not cool man. Not cool.
So that's like my staffing advice. As for advice that isn't about staffing I have a couple of things for you there as well.
The Ring: No not jewelry you little golddigger you. I mean the one we sometimes wrestle in when you aren't putting us onn catwalks over giant bathtubs of blood. Have you considered making the mat itself out of super soft mattresses? Of course you haven't or you would have done it already. Bestest idea ever.
Seating: There needs to be a section for plush fans. If you don't make one you are a fleshist, which means prejudiced against plush people. I'm pretty sure discrimination is like frowned upon in this country when it doesn't involve poor people.
Special Events: We need a monthly parade and in ring celebration of my amazingness. It's what the fans what. Always give the fans what they want...unless they're wrong. They're not in this case...I decided.
So in closings I just want to say get rid of that scarecrow Acrackia. I shouldn't have to be in a ring with him. I mean like what if he gropes me...ewww. If he does I'll puke in your mouth a little. Sorry to be so yucky in my language, but I feel pretty strongly about this and I'm sure after reading this so do you. No one wants to see him molester me or try to hurt me. Especially you...and me. Yeah especially me. I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job, but I'm telling you how to do your job right, which we can both agree is pretty nice of me. I didn't have to. I did it out of the kindness of my little heart. So yeah, just do things better.
Your greatest of heroes and girl you totally wish you could hold hands with,
P.S.: You can't hold hands with me. That might have even been in my contract. It's nothing against you. I'm just better than you are. I'm sure you understand. Have a super great day and stuff.