Dear Wrestling Journal Reporter,
I have decided out of the kindness of my heart to give you some exclusive OWF info from inside. These are the things that most people have no clue about. They're like big secrets that most of the wrestlers know, but never let reach the outside. Lucky for you I feel like the fans want to know more about us so I'm totally giving you the items they would be interested in learning. I figure I should start out off with our World Champion as I'm sure the fans would love to get to know him better.
The face of our company. The ideal that people of the world strive to live up to. A hero. A father. A husband. He is like something to everyone. You know what else he is? Bald. I'm not joking. I thought his hair was real before I started wrestling here. It looks real. That fake hair must be expensive because it looks great. You should see what they have to do to make sure that mop stays on his head. It's crazy. Crazy. You know what else is crazy about ring hero? He's like 45. They have to cover him with like 6 layers of makeup before he comes out to perform. Can you believe it? When we're on the road he has no problem getting a senior discount. I heard a rumor that he is a Walmart Greeter on his off time, but I can't confirm that because I would totally never shop at a place like that. Yuck. That's where poor people shop. It's no wonder that Moxie didn't stay with him long with him being old and bald on top of not being generous and giving her a title as a gift. I'm not saying he's a terrible person or anything like that. He's our World Champion. I'm just saying he is genetically flawed and it's amazing the things he overcomes to entertain fans and win matches. He's a special little old guy. Also his kick isn't all that great. He has bricks in his shoes to not only improve his height, but to help it do damage. When you're handicapped you need to find ways to compensates. It's just part of his equipment and stuff. Like someone having a knee brace or a walker. What a guy.
Everyone knows he's an amazing wrestler. People think he's a terrorist as well. It's totally not true. He's not a criminal or a terrorist. He's a really nice person. Just misunderstood and stuff. He's always there for people and is always trying to do the right thing. One time when Greg had fallen and couldn't get up, FK found and helped him. He's sweet like that. Here's a secret you didn't know about him....he's my secret boyfriend. We're not just a tag team. We're a power couple. If you print this part of the secrets I will be upset if you point out that I was the one who told you. It's supposed to be a secret. Also we're gonna win those those tag teams title at some point soon. I guarentee it.
He used to be the World Champ, but made the mistake of taking on Father Time Greg Jackson. Not the best idea he's had. Plague is a solid wrestler with some personality flaws. Behind the scenes he often has a psychiatrist who like follows him around and tells him right from wrong and stuff. I think most of his paycheck goes to that guy's pockets. Here's another secret....he wears a girdle. He has to or he couldn't fit into his outfit. Apparently if you live off of a diet of yucky cigarettes and alcohols you end up with a big gut. He's very sensitive about it. What's really sad is that he cries alot and no one wants to comfort him because he's rude and smells bad. He has no friends. Isn't that sad?
Greg wants him fired because he does bad stuff. Everyone knows that. Greg did say it on television duh. What you might not know about Redemption is that he is super vain. He's constantly looking in the mirror and posing. Not muscle posing either. No, I'm afraid he vogues. Isn't that like decades old? I'm pretty sure. The other thing you might be interested in knowing is that he plays with dolls. I know this because a couple of mine went missing right after I saw him near my locker room. Not a coincidence. At least he didn't get my My Little Ponies. I would have called the police for kidnapping had that happened. I wasn't too worried about the dolls though. They were getting old. Like Greg Jackson old.
He's icky and gross. I know that's not a big secret, but it had to be said. I have made no attempts to be anywhere near the same area as him ever. I don't want to be molestered.
I think he's trying to have his lips surgically attached to Redemption's butt. Excuse my language. When I bugged Redemption about the dolls we got to talking and he said he gets tired of Wilson following him around like a lost puppy. I don't blame him. It's like having a pet that talks and smells weird. How annoying. He also told me that Wilson shaves his legs and sits down to pee. He's his partner. He would know right? Right.
The battle worn warrior of OWF. Everyone knows who he is and what he's done and stuff. What you might not know is he's got a major crush on me. Like one of those crushes that might require a restraining order. My assistants have encouraged me to get one, but I don't want to be that mean. I'm sure he means well with all of his anonymous gifts and such. I just don't want Freedom Kid to find out is all. He'd probably get all jealous and go beat him up to defend my specialist of honor. Jessie once "accidentally" bumped into me in a doorway and brushed his hand across mine. He wasn't fooling anyone. I told him like super strongly that he should probably knock it off. He apparently didn't like that cause he gave me a dirty look and asked who I was. I think he meant to ask who I thought I was, but got all flustered being so close to me. It's understandable. I am a charmer. Is it my fault that I'm the most beautifullest woman ever? I think not. One other secret about Jessie is that he paints his toenails. Bright purple. I'm totally serious.
Fantastic tennis player, okay human being. You know what I mean? He's always been nothing but polite to me. What's a portfolio? He's always talking about his. I should invite him to my Rainbow Brite party when I have it. I think he'd enjoy it, plus I bet he would totally bring the punch. We'd definitely play Laser Tag.
Lorenzo and Eva:
They're a couple. They pretend to everyone that they aren't, but I know the truth. They cover their tracks pretty well, but you should totally start following them. Eventually you'll see the truth too. It's called investigative journalism. Try it.
The rest of the OWF:
Wait there's other people in OWF? I'm kidding. I was told the other day there was. Raven Talon has a website for his collection of vintage lunchboxes. He still refuses to sell me the Strawberry Shortcake one. It has the cutest thermos. What a jerk. El Tonico Azul, the Icelandic Mexican...yeah he's British...and white. Mikey Austin is afraid of water. Not much of a shark. Moxie Roxie will not be appearing in this article. She's off starting another fan club dedicated to me. Not the most original idea on her part, but whatever I guess. Everyone knows it won't be the official one. If I'd made a special album I certainly wouldn't have slummed it with gold. I would have at least made it the Platinum Album or something. Gold...how tacky.
Yes me. I'm guessing you're hoping with all this great information I've given you that I would reveal secrets about myself. I don't really like have secrets though. I really am this amazing. My morning breath smells like roses. I mean come on. I'm the bestest wrestler chick ever. I'm the model for beauty that the world strives for. I wonder if that makes me responsible for annorexia? Nah, not my problem. People should eat. At least have a juice box and a carrot or something. Yeah, bestest person ever.
That's the end of the exclusive secrets. I hope you appreciate all the work I put into typing this up for you. It should provide you with a great article. Pretty darn nice of me I must say. I can't wait to read the article you create from this. You're welcome.
Your hero, and pinnacle of awesomeness,
Bestest Wrestle Chick Ever
Chrimeny folds up the letter and puts it in an envelope before placing it in a basket with around 40 other envelopes of the exact same thickness. She stands up and hands the basket to Lelani before providing her with instructions.
Chrimeny: Send these to as many wrestling news and rumor publications and websites as you can.
Lelani looks at her puzzled for a second.
Lelani: Did you put the same letter in every envelope?
She is answered with an enthusiastically happy nod by her boss.
Lelani: Then how can you call it giving them something exclusive?
Christmas looks at her as if she were an alien.
Chrimeny: That's not a real word.
With that she walks off before the assistant can reply on the matter.