(Oh the mansion of Greg Jackson. How you've done such a great job of housing his family. You've provided warmth, as well as a location to house his antics. You contain great things such as his dinner table, where he avoids any semblence of vegetation. You endure the weather. You impress all those lucky enough to see you. You are a bright, shiny beacon of hope in a bleak world full of negative....stuff. Yeah, stuff. Definitely the word that was needed there. Your sensual foundation holding you in place like a pair of strong arms...like a hot Incredible Hulk of love. You always participate in life, much in the same manner as a child who rides the bench all year but still getting your trophy for being there. You are a monument to the fame that can be earned by a not so superkick. The excesses that can be achieved by the marginally insane if a camera is put on their face for long enough. You're an ode to the setting of the sun in a quiet northern sky. You do not groan in protest of your lot in life. Nay, you accept it happily and invite more people in. You most charitable of buildings. Yay Greg's house.

Along with his family, another person has gradually managed to move themselves in without much of anything being said. That person, that's right, the world's hero, Chrimeny Christmas. The Goblin Princess herself. The Pretty Pretty Princess champion. The girl/woman who once burned down her own mansion by "fixing" her furniture with a blowtorch. She's achieved the amazing goal of assimilating herself into the Jackson family while possessing the personality of a spoiled child. A perfectly, amazing, spoiled child. Today our hero is teaching young Jesus the wonders of the World of Warcraft. What better role model could the boy have? They sit at a plastic desk next to each other on laptops. Stuffed animals surround them to watch their feats of awesome that are soon to begin.)

Jesus: What should I be?

(The excitement is obvious in his little eyes as they sparkle in anticipation of learning a new game with his playtime companion.)

CC: Be whatever you want silly.

(Her eyes sparkling with a demented innocence as she shifts in her pink, glittery chair.)

Jesus: I'm gonna be a dwarf!

CC: Don't be a smelly dwarf! You're gonna be a goblin....like me! YAY we have the same taste!

(Indeed they do. She helps him pick out his look. Soon he large eared, tiny green goblin boy enters the world....of Warcraft. At his side is a tiny, four ponytailed Chrimeny goblin. They begin running around crazy goblin land. Chrimeny calls things out as they come across them.)

CC: Ew it's a snake. Ew it's a bug. Ewwww it's a dirty defenseless bunny. Kill IT!

(He looks over at her wondering why she would even say that.)

Jesus: I don't want to kill the bunny.

(Yes he does. He just doesn't know it yet.)

CC: If you don't, it will keep looking at you all yucky like and then it'll steal your gold.

(Disbelief crosses his features.)

Jesus: Nuh uh, the bunny gives me chocolate every april!

(She looks around the room as if in the middle of a conspiracy.)

CC: Uhm, that's not the Easter bunny. That's his evil twin cousin and he wants to steal our money and ruin tv shows. Is that what you want?


(They frolick through the lands killing all the defenseless creatures while avoiding the actually dangerous ones that could damage them. Soon there are many bodies in their wake. God's work having been completed. That's an appropriate use of that phrase right? Sure it is.)

CC: Being goblins is awesome isn't it? It's way better than being a nazi like CJ or a druggy slut like Crystal Meth.

Jesus: It sure is.

(That's when Jackie walks in with a tray of treats, having missed the conversation entirely. She sets the tray on a table in the room.)


(Jackie laughs and hands them each one and looks at their laptop screens.)

Jackie: Looks like you two are having fun.

(She gets no response as the two are busy working on their juiceboxes like it's the last drink of their lives.)

Jackie: Well, I'll leave you to it. Don't overdo it on the treats. I'm making dinner.

(Oh she's making dinner alright. This time to avoid the three picky eaters she is living with she has decided to try to mince up the vegetables and hide them in the food. As long as Greg never finds out he won't accuse her of betrayal. They both nod at her and finish their juiceboxes before gasping for air like drowning survivors. After a moment they begin to start playing again, but are interrupted by Chrimeny's cell phone playing a ring tone of Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place On Earth". She snatches it up and looks at it angrily for getting in the way of happy fun time. Finally she opens it.)

CC: This totally better be good news and stuff.

(She listens to one of her assistants tell her the opposite of what she wants to hear.)

CC: What do you mean there's no commercials during a payperview?! No, you tell them to fix it. This is CJ's doing. He's trying to keep me from getting what I want. Like always. That big, stupid, jerkface! Don't call back until you have news I want to hear you, you, less than a good person!

(With that, she hangs up on her assistant before looking over at Jesus.)

CC: Why can't everyone be smart like me and you?

Jesus: I don't know.

CC: Why can't all poor people be marched into camps so that we will be safe from all the dirty, smelly criminals?

Jesus: I don't know.

CC: Why is CJ such a meanie?

Jesus: My dad said CJ's car was overcompmenserating. Whatever that means.

CC: Yeah he probably does compenserate too much. That CJ and his money stealing. You know he dumpster dives for his dinner right? I totally saw it.

Jesus: With a snorkel?

(Chrimeny pictures the snorkel and giggles a little.)

CC: Yep. He totally had one of those.


Dear Diary:

I know I don't need to tell you who this is because I'm the only one super amazing enough to write in you, but it is I, Chrimeny Christmas, the bestest wrestlechick ever. That's right diary, your hero is once again writing in you. So today was pretty good. Jesus and I blew stuff up for the Horde. Those rabbits and snakes and dung beetles won't be bothering anyone ever agains. I was greatly disappointed at the lack of commercials at payperviews. I know it's a CJ ploy no matter how many times people tell me there have never been commercials in them. I know that's a lie. There's commercials on tv even when I'm asleep. If that wasn't true, I wouldn't have a garage bay full of Shamwows...think about it.

Now, I have something important to ask of you diary. As you know, I'm about to be in a match that is pretty gross. I mean it's not a pit full of homeless people, but it's pretty bad. It's a pit of blood and guts and disease. So it's close to being that horribe. Please diary grant me my wish of not being put in that horrible yucky mess. It would be one of the worst things to ever happen. Worse than when they got rid of S'mores cereal made with Golden Grahams. Pretty bad, I know. It's all I ask of you this page. Also don't let CJ steal from me anymore. So yeah, please grant my wish. You've been such a great diary for me. Secretly keeping all my great words safe from the terrors of the prying hands of the undeserving people of the world. You are one of my best friends. I would hate to accidentally lose you to an unexplained fire, flash flood, runaway scissors, or any other terrible accident that could randomly happen in such an unsafe world as this.

Anyway, I think I had better get some sleep. Enjoy your evening on the desk and dream about how pretty pretty I look in my fancy goblin princess armor.

Your hero, owner, and decider of your fate,

Chrimeny Christmas
Pretty Pretty Princess Champion