(In front of the home of Greg Jackson rests a sign in crayon that says "Vote NO for CJ". It's not the only sign that Chrimeny Christmas now lives there. It's also probably not the only thing she'll ever do that will detract from his property value. She took over a room in his house and claimed it for her own. The only thing in it from her own house a luxurious canopy bed. Pink, silk cloth hangs from the banisters. It's also the most adult thing in the room. At the end of the bed is a giant, cardboard castle detailed in marker. Her stuffed nemesis, Battle sits atop one of its towers. The infamous, stuffed bat's lifeless gaze looking out across the room as if plotting the downfall of everything contained within. Down on the drawbridge is her counterpart, Sealy. The stuffed seal sports chunks of old, factory glue that once held a graduation cap to his head. A cap Chrimeny felt held him back in the real world since graduation had long since been over. His empty eyes staring out as if trying to spread his internal joy to the rest of the room.
A plastic table holds one of her many teasets for her myriad of random te parties. Another table has stacks of arts and crafts supplies scattered across it. Piles of paper clippings scatter her floor. Chrimeny sits next a camera that faces her large tv. Today she is Pirate Princess Chrimeny Christmas. She sports a plastic sword, an eyepatch, and tattered clothes. One of her legs is made up to look like a pegleg. A giant stuff parrot is stapled to the shoulder of her outfit. It hangs awkwardly out of place. On the tv is a video game on pause. The screen is darkened, but an OWF wrestling ring is clearly visible. The latest edition of the annual title. She turns on the camera while staying out of its view. Her hands though, well they move in front of it holding two paper dolls. One looking like Nick Burst that holds a paper walker. The other, looking like his counterpart Bobby Shavonie. Bobby holds a paper dog. She does the voices for them.)
Paper Nick: Hi, I'm Grampy Nick Burst.
Paper Bobby: And I'm Mr. Bibble. Welcome to another exerciting edition of OWF Aderction.
(A paper cup is taped to Nick's hand.)
Paper Bobby: C'mon Grampy Burst, do you have to start drinking already?
Paper Nick: Well we've been on air for like 4 seconds so I think I deserve some poison. I'm old afterall. Back when I fought under George Warshington he never like bothered me about my drinking and stuff.
Paper Bobby: Anyway, let's talk about what we're about to see. Tonight we ha....
(Suddenly a paper CJ comes stomping into view. He is dressed in a paper Willy Wonka suit. He has a black eye and some blacked out teeth and carries a bloody paper knife.)
Paper Jerkface CJ: Whoa whoa whoa. I'll decide what you talk about because I'm super in charge. I decide who and what can be on tv regardless of whether they can afford the prices or not. You can both stop smiling and having fun. I don't like that kind of thing.
Paper Bobby: We didn't mean to.
Paper Rude CJ: I don't care! I'm in charge. I cheated the election. I abused the power. I paid the terrorists. I caused 9/11 back whenever that happened and stuff.
Paper Nick: I think I need some new Depends.
Paper Evil CJ: My point, you ancient idiots, is that...say is that a dog you've got there?
Paper Bobby: Uhm...yes?
Paper Puppy Molestor CJ: I like dogs. I used to train them with my good friend Michael Vick. Those were the days. Now I only see 5 or 6 animals in every town we travel to. Say, you guys wouldn't happen to have any ice cube trays would you?
Paper Nick: *burp* Nope, we're fresh out your evilness.
Paper Criminal CJ: That's too bad. They're part of my evil rule the world plan. I came down here to tell you two that you will have Lorenza Demarcarius come out and talk and while he's doing that you are to make golden tickets for a project I'm working on. So announce it and get to it, or I will sell you to a shop where they make sweat.
(With that Paper Evil Dictator CJ hobbles off of camera.)
Paper Bobby: Well you heard it from our super awesome boss guy.
Paper Nick: Brown nose.
Paper Bobby: Don't be so honest. You know it makes me cry. Now onto Lorenza Demarcarius of Rome.
(The paper announcers are immediately dropped to the floor and the game unpauses. Standing on screen is the video game version of Lorenzo Demarco except he's in Roman centurian armor and clown shoes. It's amazing they outfits they put in create a character these days. The tv may be on mute, but luckily Chrimeny is there to talk for him too.)
Digital Demarco: I'm a smelly criminal from the streets of Italic. Take my street credibilities serious. I'm like super tough. I battle all the time. Every day is a struggle cause my non-existant parents were also criminals. Stupid geneticals. I got everything through hard works. My garbage can was three dumpsters down from Oscar the Grouch. He still ows me fifty cents and a paper clip. STREEEEEET CRED! That's right. Take me serious. Look at the armor. Know I work hard and fight for like everythinhg. Ignore the clown shoes. I'm like so not silly and stuff. Just pretend they're not there. C'mon peoples, why can't you take me serious? I've totally worked hard everyday on my image. I'm dirty. I smell. I remind people how black I am all the time. You should be scared.
(He moves around the ring for a moment before moving towards the bottom of the screen.)
Digital Demarco: Hey! Come back. Pay attention to me!....please? Thanks for staying. Look, I know Greg Jackson doesn't have to tell people how super tough he is all the time, but that's cause he's actually tough. He's not insecure. He has all the skills to be at the top whenever he feels like it. It's not fair. I tell people I'm tough and not silly, but all they do is laugh at my clown shoes. Do you know how humilitating that is? How many times I cry myself to sleep at night because nobody loves me? Did you know that I think it's okay for a dude to wear pink spandex for security under his wrestling clothes? It really is. I'm not saying I do....but I do.
(He cries for a moment before continuing.)
Digital Demarco: Sorry, I cry when I'm scared too. I think I peed myself a little. I'm stuck in a match with the bestest wrestle chick ever. Do you know how that makes me feel? She's my hero. Everything I could never be. I didn't even want to be in this match, but that stupid CJ made me. This is what happens when you tell him no when he hits on you. Guess I should have let him rub my bottom. I just couldn't do it though. He's so yucky and stuff. This isn't fair. Everyone is going to laugh at me when she beats me up.
(Player 2 suddenly turns on and there stands a digital Chrimeny in all her glory. She's in her normal wrestling outfit and carries a steel chair.)
Our Digital Hero Chrimeny: I'm here to tell you you need to sit down you no good baddy. Nobody wants to you hear you...or like see you for that matter. Pity parties are not a party at all. How misleading and stuff.
Digital Demarco: I'm sorry, I just want to be respected. Please don't hurt me oh super goddess of wrestling.
Digital Super Princess Chrimeny: I feel sorry for you being a victim of CJ. I too am one. He took $25,000 of my money. I joined the cause. I spent $400,000 on commercials made by partners. Now he made the network ban me from doing them. He's a big jerkface. I get it, but I can't allow you to damage the brains of the fans any longer with your gibberish cause that's so not cool.
Digital Demarco: I won't do it again?
Digital World Saver Chrimeny: Lying is so wrong. You so will do it again. It's time for your clown shoes to pay!
(Digital Demarco stands completely still while Digital Chrimeny hits him a bunch and then does a bunch of wrestling moves. Chrimeny adds a bunch of ridiculous, verbal sound effects and then pins him for a three count that he doesn't try to kick out of.)
Digital Demarco: Ow...I wish...I...could...be you. Also, there are...two..other...Skywalkers...in...this match....uuugggghhhhhh....
Digital Arts and Crafts Enthusiast Chrimeny: But you can't. There can be only one me and that's ME. Yay, I saved the fans from listening to stupid! Wooohooo. The other two wrestlers in this match don't matter. YIPPEEEEE! I would say the kingdom lived happily ever after, but this game doesn't have presidential voting options...BOOOOO. To be continued. Tune in again next time. Same Aducktion time filled with a bunch of poor, dirty criminals and then me and Greg, same horrible OWF Channel owned by a terrorist...
(Her exit is ruined by the paper CJ popping back up.)
Paper Patriots Cheating Planner CJ: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm tired of you coming out here and telling the truth on my network. You get off my screen you amazingly awesome person who is super beautiful and strong.
Digital Stuffed Animal Trainer Chrimeny: I don't wanna you big meanie.
(Digital Chrimeny climbs the ropes and perches on the top turnbuckle for no reason. Paper CJ smacks his little paper head against the screen but finds that he can't hurt the digital super hero.)
Paper Little League Umpire CJ: Don't you make me send out my digital security guard. Anger and Jessington learned that the hard way earlier.
Digital Coloring Book DaVinci Chrimeny: Gah! Even at my house you ruin my phone. I will stop you and save all these little people that Greggers and I have to work with. I will save the world from you. Just you wait.
Paper Dumpster Diner CJ: Just because you're the greatest person to ever exist doesn't mean you have a chance at winning. I've cheated at life and I always win. I'm gonna...
(He is cut off by real life, costumed pegleg stomping on him as real life Chrimeny throws a tantrum that her paper doll of CJ is ruining her fun. She shrieks in frustration while continuing to stop him into paper submission.)