CCTV: The Christmas Report

A drug commercial finishes listing its side effects before it ends and the world is treated to the wonder that is Chrimeny Christmas. She sits behind a desk with papers in her hands being organized. She wears a pink, pinstriped skirtsuit. Her blonde curls well groomed and held together by an expensive clip. She looks foward to the camera with a serious expression.

Good evening. Tonight we will be touching on several OWF stories you're going to want to hear. . I work hard to dig up the truth for you. You'll want to stay tuned as sometime this evening I will be discussing something that may well save your life. Are the condition of OWF rings hazardous to the health of fans? Keep watching to find out, here on the Christmas Report.

Cheesy music plays as the screen shows montages of things that never happened with her reporting in dangerous situations she was never in. Interviews there were never conducted. It ends on her winking face before going back to her at her desk.

Welcome everyone. 

This said to a studio audience that doesn't exist.

I've filmed many episodes of this show, but this is the first one you've ever seen because CJ, in his super infiinite wisdom, totally chose to be a complete.......

The show suddenly cuts to an infomercial already in progress. A poorly dressed man with the charm of a wet noodle pitches the virtues of buying 50,000 knives. After a couple of minutes the Christmas Report is back on air. Chrimeny holds her hand to her earpiece. Annoyance clearly displayed on her face at what is being told.

My producer is telling me that OWF Network will take us to infomercials every time I talk about CJ. Apparently he is untouchable. I guess when you own the network you can hide like a scared little baby turtle in your spiffy little shell. CJ has like always been afraid of the truth because he's a......

Knives are once again being poorly shilled to a public that knows better than to pay attention. He talks endlessly for minutes before the network returns it to Chrimeny's news show that has so far not brought up a single piece of news.

Alright, alright. I'll stop. Jeeeeez. So, uhm, like here's our first amazing story. 

 Greg Jackson has defeated Disneyland. He challenged one of the greatest places on earth earlier this week. They tried to refuse, but Greggers doesn't take no for an answer because he's a winner. I rang the bell and he Superiorkicked his way to victory. Disneyland had no answer for his awesomeness. So they sent out a lying puppet to try and stop him. If you know anything about Greg Jackson, you know he hates when puppets lie. The liar was totally beaten into submission. He achieved this victory in a time of 25 minutes 32 seconds. A new there hadn't been an old record because no one has ever taken on Disneyland and won...until now.

Now switching gears, whatever that means, I have discovered the true identity of one our superstars.

That's right, Shawn Stewart, shown here looking like the vegetable gremlin from Gremlins 2, has been hiding his true identity from the world. Through an exhaustive investigation I can reveal who this Dutch Boy mascot really is.

This is his high school senior picture. His real name is Nathaniel Jebidiah Stewington III. According to his Pleasington Point yearbook his nickname was Chicken Wing, he was treasurer of the Monopoly Club, had the biggest My Little Pony collection in the state, and was voted as Most Likely To Die in a Tragic Dodgeball Accident. Unfortunately that accident never came. Instead he changed his name, painted himself up like a black and red Gumby, and showed up in OWF saying things like "Please look at me, I'm super scary yalls". After contacting his old school they said they were very much looking forward to him coming back for his 20 year reunion because he's the only person to graduate form there and go on to become a cartoon.

That's enough about this story about the success of Gargamel's cat. Our next story is spotlight about an ancient, uhm, super old, antinque, public figure, hero. That's right, I'm talking about Grampy Nick Burst.

This picture of Grampy Burst was taken at the tender age of 85 when he bravely fought for our country in that Revolutionary War thing. Carrying in his hands one of the big, orange grenades they used back then. He singlehandedly defeated the troops of General British Von Stuffypants in the Battle of the Nursing Home. Now 800 years later he brings joy to the world by stringing together scotch-laced, cuss words to spread senile cheer. His fantasical contributions should never be forgotten. His saying naughty words should always be forgiven. He's too old to be corrected now and he's earned the right to do what he pleases. He, afterall, has the shadow of the grim reaper looming over him at all times. At the lightest wrong step he could trip and die in his bathtub. I hope he has some of those sticky things you put at the bottom. They totally increase safety, and they look super cute while doing it.  All I'm saying is I love Grampy Burst and you should to. I don't even mind that he has hair growing out of his ears to the point of looking like a cat's tail. He's a great announcer, a great american hero, and one heck of a good person. 

And now for our final story, are fans at risk of illness when attending OWF events? 

The answer is sadly yes. The rings are stored in unsafe conditions that have allowed them to fill wtih a thick layer of black mold. Due to the poor ventilation of most arenas, every slam on them spreads spores throughout the building. These spores like get in people's lungs and make them sick. When asked about what is being done to fix the problem President CJ McUnderpants said that he didn't care...

The feed cuts for the last time. This time to the last 6 hours of a weekly fantasy football site informercial on repeat. Large numbers are shouted as winnings while people make paid testimonials about how easy it is to get rich by giving all your money away to win $2 a week. By comparison, Chrimeny's show almost seems truthfull.