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the network most likely doesn't agree with, and possibly some arts and
crafts that are better off not being recreated. Watch at your own risk.
2: The following program is a nature show about pink ninjas
the wild. The dangerous pink ninja will be shown as it hunts
prey. Or, it could just be a show about a retarded, rich girl running
around in a pink ninja costume while pretending not to be
you want to be a dick about it....we do.
Disclaimer 2: In either case, if you encounter a
in the wild you should avoid it at all costs. You have been warned. The
OWF Network thanks you for your continued support.
Music for Nature's Kingdom: Do da doo doo doo
nature nature doo
da da dooo nature kingdom song doo dooo doooo nature nature nature
nature stuff. mmmmmmmmm NATURE!
Welcome to another episode of Nature's Kingdom. Today we'll be taking a
fascinating look at a very rare species of mammal indeed. The species
is pinktarius shinobus, better knows as pink ninja. There are two
breeds. The pink mini-ninja and the pink ninja. We will be observing
the latter in its natural habitat. Here's one now.
In the fancy
neighborhood of one Greg Jackson is a lawn belonging to one of his
neighbors that so loves that he lives in their neighborhood. Oh how
thrilled they are. Thrilled.. On that lawn a pink ninja comes into
view. Not just any pink ninja, but The Pink Ninja. Her eyes, darkened
all the way around by thick eyeliner, dart back and forth.
Notice how it easily blends in to its environment while scanning for
Pink Ninja totally blends in as it stands wearing all pink, out in the
open, in the middle of the day. Her muscles tense up as her eyes focus
on something. It's a man standing at his barbecue. The thick scent of
grilled meat and barbecue sauce drifts through the air. He has on a
lovely white apron over his dress shirt and slacks. A captain's hat is
his head as if he were steering his private yacht. Probably has one
too. The jerk. I mean, the captain's hat seems completely normal to be
barbecuing in. Steering the grill into the uncharted waters of heating
ribs until they are edible for human beings.
This pink ninja has spotted possible prey. Prey that has been separeted
from the herd. She circles around slightly.
The man looks up and sees a pink ninja 60 yards away and looks at it
The prey has been alerted to the presence of the predator.
She begins running towards him.
Fearing dinner will escape, she makes a run at him now.
man blinks a few times as if trying to determine that he's really
seeing a woman dressed as a pink ninja running his direction.
The frightened prey is frozen in fear.
Still running at him. The man turns, spatula in hand.
prepares to defend himself from the coming attack.
closes in the gap between them and her right foot shoots up into a
superkick....that nails him in the throat. The hat flies off and he
collapses to the ground hard, choking. The Pink Ninja's momentum causes
her to bounce off the barbecue and fall to the ground. The grill tips
over sending meat to the ground. Flames grab at the grass until the
plant begins to catch fire.
Notice how quick and powerful this preadator's strike is.
As she stands up the fire spreads. She then speaks.
Pink Ninja Dance Attack of the 37 Hecks!
The ferocious battlecry lets nearby scavengers know this creature is
dances around till she is on the man's stomach. As she dances on him
she kicks him every few steps. Both in the stomach and the face. Flames
dancing around the fallen grill beside her.
is subdued. Unfortunately, the small fire has startled her.
She looks at the fire and takes off running.
3: The commercial you are about to see is for immature audiences old
enough to watch mature things. Parental discretion is blah blah blah.
Jackson stands in front of the desk of the OWF website
designer/webmaster/web guy Shawn. The two have never liked each other.
Last time Greg talked to him it was to wedge some of his own team names
into the vote that ended up naming his tag team with Jesse Williams.
Convincing Shawn took an argument and money. Now, here they stand again
facing each other. Or at least Greg is standing. Shawn is totally
sitting down. It's obvious they've been arguing. If you had come into
the scene earlier you might know what about, but you didn't. Whose
fault is that? Yeah, yours.
is a waste of time. Just get the hell out of my office.
Shawn points to the door. Greg does not listen.
You don't need to talk to me like that. I'm THE PDA Champion. People
love me because I'm a good, caring guy you sack of shit.
You're like a glass dildo, fragile, but in the end still just a dick.
Greg looks at him in shock with his mouth open. His eyes get all glassy
before he erupts into a screaming fit.
YOU! YOU'RE A GLASS DILDO! EAT SHIT! I HATE YOU! I WISH I NEVER CAME
BACK TO OWF SCHOOL!!!
Greg runs off crying and mumbling to himself like a little girl.
OWF School. The new evening drama coming to OWF Netw...and it's
That shouldn't be cancelled. That was beautiful.
457: Nature's Kingdom will not be returning. It was cancelled right
before the commercial finished. The OWF Network felt it was not up to
its standards and have replaced it with another show.
5,000: The show that is next is probably ridiculous. Like everything
else in the last hour, we take no responsibility for its content or
opinions. We are simply filling space. It is unfortunate that Chrimeny
Christmas has been given air time for yet another show. We do not wish
to be hit with a discrimination lawsuit that she threatened us with.
She is apparently a lawyer now. Also, she pays very well. This is a
business afterall. Sorry. CJ absolutely does not approve of this next
show. He also doesn't approve of the existence of Chrimeny
Pedestrians ruin the
rooooaaaaads. They cause super accidents and stuuuuuuff. Bwow roooow ba
bwooow. Accident recreations peeeeeooooooples. Some other sounds that
resemble music, but totally arent. ACCIDENTS!
Hello, I'm Chrimeny Christmas. Professional Wrestler, Manager,
and Lawyer. Welcome to Pedestrian SmashRec. The show
recreate accidents caused by inconsiderate pedestrians. Today's epsiode
is about a very recent accident. Warning, the content you are about to
see could very well be like upsetting. I know it is for me. This
particular accident was personal. I know all the individuals
involved...including myself. So uhm prepare yourself and stuff because
it's accidental time!
The camera zooms in on a table in front of her. It focuses on the
large, toy minivan on the left side. Inside are paper dolls of Greg
Jackson and Chrimeny Christmas. The paper duo are innocently enjoying
It sure is a lovely day for a drive. Just the PDA Champ, his
fantastical manager, and the open road of a parking garage. What more
can an awesome guy ask for in an evening?
I know right. I just want to say I'm quite impressed with your amazing
driving skills. You are like a symbolism of safety. I know I feel safe
being in a vehicle driven by someone who always observes every safety
rule and keeps a super keen eye on the road.
Well if you aren't following safety rules you are being unsafe. Being
unsafe is so uncool. I should do a commercial urging people to be safe
like me because it is totally amazing and cool.
They continue slowly driving across the table. The van moves so slowly
a turtle would beat it in a race right now. An unsafe turtle. Stupid
turtles and their reckless, complete disregard for road
I'm sure glad I hired you as my lawyer. Now I don't have to worry about
this frivelousity class action lawsuit thingy.
I'm so glad I can help. Helping others is what makes me happy in this
world. That's why I'm not charging you like any legal fees. How cool am
Pretty gosh darn cool CC.
Your super safe driving has us almost out of this parking garage. I
know there's totally nothing terrible that could happen because you are
at the wheel.
But she is so very wrong. Paper Jesse Williams plops down into the
scene with Paper Jamison. Paper Jamison stays way back from the path of
the vehicles because Paper Chrimeny was very clear in explaining safety
to him. Unfortunately his paper father is a paper lunatic.
Paper Lunatic Jesse:
My career isn't going the way I want and I need to feel alive. DANGER
and stuff! RRRRRRAAAAARRRR! Feel my wrath van of mini!
Paper Jesse leaps forward and rams into the innocent minivan like the
adrenaline fueled, psychotic viking from space that he is. Paper Greg,
Chrimeny, and Jamison all scream. Paper Greg, being the ultra
responsible, good dude that he is immediately stops the minivan and
hops out onto the table.
Dear lord. Are you okay frightening stranger who I could totally take
in a fight but won't because it's not cool to beat up crazy accident
Paper Lunatic Jesse:
Thy fate has been sealed Greg of Jackson. I will help sue you for your
minivan being hit by me when I charged it like a crazed rhino.
Paper Jesse froths at the mouth. Paper Greg realizes the attacker of
his minivan is his friend. Paper Chrimeny rolls out of the van in her
wheelchair and immediately scoops up paper Jamison to make sure the
cool kid with a savage father is okay. Once she's made sure he's
alright she rolls over to support Greg in dealing with the Jesse
monster of paper.
Can we call for medical assistance for you? I would hate for you to
have hurt yourself super good friend and former tag team partner. I
care about your health and safety.
Unfortunately, Paper Jesse is having none of it. He begins climbing on
top of the van.
Paper Lunatic Jesse:
I never need medical assistance. I am invincible besides all the
injuries. Now make way. I must leap from thy minivan and land face
first on the pavement of this garage of parking!
No don't do it Paper Jessington! That's not safe!
Paper Lunatic Jesse:
But I must.
He leaps off to the screams of his friends and son, and lands face
first on the concrete/table. Moaning sounds are heard from beneath his
paper face. Paper Greg drops to his kness by his legs being folded.
Oh no! My closest friend besides Chrimeny has hurt himself. Why?! Why
must this happen? Oh the paper humanity!
The camera pulls back from the terrifying accident scene until it rests
firmly on the real Chrimeny's sad face.
refused medical attention afterwards. We dropped him and Jamison off on
our way out of town because we care. The next day he would rudely
question my lawyering skills and be all hostile to me and Greggers.
Very sad stuff from someone who is a close friend of ours, but he can't
help himself. We forgave him right away of course. So there you have
it. Another accident that could have been avoided if pedestrians would
just be more considerate of those of us just trying to safely make it
to our destination. This has been another/first episode of SmashRec.
Thank you and goodnight my tons of awesome viewers.