I don't know why I do this. It's just something I feel compelled to do every so often. These people just go about their business. Their only concerns are money, a place to live, whatever stupid thing it is they want, and someone to share it with. I wish that was me. I wish that I could be oblivious to the things they never see. I wish my biggest concern could be stupid, minute little things. That I could walk around the streets with a sense of entitlement, feeling as if the world owes me something. This is what they were born with. This is what they have always lived with. I never got any of it.
I never got to play with toys, go to a school, have a friend, or go to a prom. I never got to do any of the stuff almost everyone else has. I got to watch it from a dimension people don't even know is there. What both sickens and amuses me, is that these people often think they have it so bad. They didn't get everything they wanted in life and they are pissed off about it. It's ridiculous. It's bullshit! They don't know what having it bad is. They didn't have to grow up dodging predators. They didn't live in isolation. They have no idea what it's like to fight a demon that lives inside you...just waiting to take you over and make you a monster. What was their big concern growing up? Whether mommy and daddy would get them that toy or that puppy they wanted. Mine was how am I going to kill the animal trying to eat me so I can eat it to survive.
I'm so bitter. I was robbed of everything everyone else seems to take for granted. Not only that but the person who robbed me was my mother. She left me in that hell hole. Just like when I was younger, I can still only watch a world I can never truly be a part of. When I think about these things I want to cry, but for the most part I'm not that capable of it. It takes too much energy just to try. The beast within doesn't allow it. The only time I can cry is after the demon has taken me over and brought me closer to becoming it. I take a deep breath and collect myself. Dwelling on it all isn't doing anything for me.
I stand up from my crouching position and leap off the roof onto a fire escape and quickly make my way down to the alley below. I walk the miles out of town and return to this safehouse of my mother's. Once inside I remove my cloak and toss it on a chair. At this point maybe I should just lay down. At least I already got the carpet and the bathroom cleaned last night. I'm definitely not in the mood to be scrubbing dried blood off of everything tonight. I get a glass of water and walk into the living room before flopping down on the couch in silence. I lay back and close my eyes in hopes of dreaming of a better life. The ringing of the phone breaks the silence and my relaxation. I'm not sure I should answer it. It isn't my phone afterall. Still I was told no one would call on it. Fuck it. I reach over and grab the phone before answering tiredly.)
(I'm greeted by a familiar, raspy voice. My father's voice is definitely unmistakable.)
Eclipse. How are you?...
(There's an awkwardness to it that most wouldn't notice. I do. Neither of my parents knows how to relate to me. Of course, unlike my mother, it seems like he does want to try.)
(I'm not doing a whole lot better on relating to him. He chose to give in and become a monster and enjoyed it. I don't want that for myself. I refuse. Still since my mind is on the subject might as well tell him about something that happened recently. It does involve him afterall.)
Aphrodisia contacted me online.
(Gwenivere Jordan is his ex-girlfriend. She was there when he killed my mother. She changed her name to Aphrodisia after my father and his apprentice, Demonica, warped her mind and made her like them. Not only is my father a monster by choice, but his insanity is infectuous. If someone is around him long enough they seem to just start becoming like him. His tone is flat when he answers, but I can kinda feel like he might not like hearing that. I can't be certain.)
What did she say to you?
(I don't waste anytime and just get into it.)
Something about how you would tell me to be a monster and accept that everyone is one. She thinks she's trying to teach me something and help me.
(There's a long pause before he speaks again.)
Everyone is a monster. Most just hide behind lies they tell themselves. They put on a skin of normalcy to...
(I cut him off angrily. I don't want to hear this shit.)
I am not a monster! I never will be!
(He replies in an extremely calm manner. I almsot expected anger, or a laugh, or something.)
You didn't let me finish. Most people aren't the kind of monster you are talking about. What I mean is that most people are monsters pretending they are not in the sense of how they lie to themselves about the horrible things they are capable of. Creatures like us, on the other hand, we're something different. You aren't normal. You had no chance to be. You are like us.
(This brings me no comfort. It isn't what I want to hear. I won't listen to this shit. I am not ever going to be like them.
You're wrong...it's not true...It's just not true.
(It's evident my convictions aren't so clear. Those words were more to convince my self than him. I can't take anymore of this conversation. I hang up on him. I feel tainted and sick now. I huddle myself into a ball on the couch.)
What if he's right?