(Snow rains down from the heavens with a ferocity that matches my fierceness turned inward. I had to get away from that barn, away from Angel, away from the body that was left in the wake of my loss of control. I'm not even sure how it happened. One second I was having a nightmare, the next I was killing Angel's attacker in a frenzy. Seems like everywhere we go a corpse is created and left. That's not really fair though. It's not a we thing. It's a me thing. I'm finally becoming the exact thing I fight so hard not to be. A monster.

It's freezing out here. My face is numb. Hands too. I don't care. Gotta keep walking. I can't go back and face Angel. Or Liz..and she wasn't even conscious for it. She's the one I fear talking to most. She's normal. Innocent. Exactly what I can no longer claim to be. I have taken life. Removed it from this plane of existence. There is no going back from that. No saying you're sorry and it'll all be okay. It's done and can't be undone. So where do I go from here? I don't know. How can I pick up the pieces of myself and continue my struggle within a never ending cycle. Every which way I look I only see one outcome. I will become the woman from my dream.

Just the thought of her sends a shudder thorugh me. She was the darkest interpretation of what I could become. The most repressed part of myself. A part that becomes less repressed as time marches on. I'm fighting an impossible battle against myself and I'm losing. I'm more than losing...I'm failing. Why was all this so easy for my parents? Was this fun for them? Am I missing something? They are more than pleased with the creatures they've become. At least it seems that way. Maybe I'm somewhat mistaken on that though. I mean they're lives don't seem full of cheer. They don't seem like they are happy with life/death/undeath. I don't know what they call it. Still, they seem to revel in being the creatures they are.

Do I just not understand anything? God, I can still smell the blood on my face and in my hair. The iron smell is impossible to mistake for something else. It smells almost sweet to me. I hate that. It should be grotesque, shouldn't it? Why couldn't I just have a normal life like everyone else? Why couldn't I have just been born to two caring parents? I gotta stop thinking like that. Whining to myself solves nothing. Besides, it's obvious your life can still end up being pretty fucked even if you are born into the regular world like everyone else. Though I would have at least had a chance. I just feel like I never had a choice. Like the only decision I was able to make for myself that wasn't predestined is to fight against that which is. How is that even a choice?

I drop to my knees in the snow and use it as best I can to clean my face and hair. It helps some, but I doubt I'll even get fifty percent of the blood off of me. Now even colder than I was, I stand back up. I should turn back before I end up lost out here. I want to get away from all people for awhile, but I'm in an unfamiliar place. So far away from home. On top of that, someone wants me dead. I'm stuck in this for now. Guess I might as well had back to the barn. I don't know how I'm going to look either of them in the eye though. He saw it all.)

(Sitting behind my large desk I find it hard to keep my eyes open. I remove my glasses and rub my eyes for a moment before replacing the eyewear back to its proper place. The person on my mind right now is Ruen. It always seems to be her. My name is Holden and I'm what people would label as being Ruen's handler. I'm the brain. The eyes and ears. She's the body. The hand that kills. My job is to get her information and relay things between her clients and her. She doesn't like to deal with clients directly. She doesn't like to deal with anyone directly unless they're her target.

I've been with her for a couple of years now. I know her better than most, but that isn't really saying much. She's not the type to let people in. I do know that in this business I take care of the worrying for both of us. At least that's what she says. She should worry more than she does. Especially with what's going on now. So far I'm lost in a string of red tape designed to keep people from knowing who this client is. Well ex-client. Ruen did turn down the job. They were less than pleased by that too. I've got a really bad feeling. She still has me digging up whatever I can on them for her. It's not like her to get this involved in a job. Especially one she has refused. She's been running around with what was supposed to be the target. Then she killed someone else and took that guy's target with her too. Is she starting some kind of former target collection or support group here? Last I heard she stashed them somewhere out of the way, but this was after a public corpse was left to give the authorities all kinds of evidence. It's not like her. It's reckless. I dial her phone, but get no answer. Just a generic voicemail.

Damnit! Where are you?

(I've already completed her last set of instructions. I need to know what she wants me to do next. I also want to make sure she's safe. Maybe I do worry enough for the both of us. I can't help but chuckle at the thought. I check my computer database again, as well as my email. Nothing new ye...wait. Something catches my attention. I hadn't seen it before.)

Holy shit!

(I grab the phone and begin dialling Ruen incessantly. She needs to answer. She's going to want this information. After ten straight minutes of dialing her number repeatedly I get an answer.)

Yes Holden?

(She sounds less than enthused. Not to mention impatient.)

It's about time you answered. I found something out that you're going to want to hear about.

(I relay the information to her at a rapid pace. I can't help but talk extremely fast. As soon as I finish I get a very dry thank you and she hangs up. Let's hope this is the break I think it is.)