Once again I'm watching you from afar through your window. I can't talk to you now. Not yet. I'm still too volatile. I'm afraid I might just lash out at you once more. I know I've been in the wrong. I'm aware you don't deserve my attacks, both mental and physical, but deserve has nothing to do with it. This thing in me, this darkness, would consume you just as it has me. I'm afraid I have to protect you from that. It's good to see you on your feet again, even if you don't see me at all. You've been sitting in that same chair for hours. Awake. The dark rings under your eyes are visible to me even from outside in the dark. In a way, haven't I always been outside in the dark?
It does my heart well to see you slowly pulling yourself back from whatever misery left you in that coma. I'd say I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you, but we both know I would only have helped drive you down quicker. You may not know it, but I visited your room during the period you were comatose....
(I shut the door and jam it before stepping over the two bodies at my feet. No, they aren't dead. Just unconscious. Angel is under 24 hour watch and isn't allowed any visitors. That wouldn't do. I needed to see him, so this doctor and nurse needed to take a nap. Their heads will hurt, but they'll live. Slowly I walk up to the bed and stand over the man who complicated my existence. It kills me to see him like this. He's normally so strong and active. My voice is quiet even to me as I speak to his comatose shell.)
If you were awake right now you'd probably be brooding about your problem of the week. I hope your dreams are giving you the peace your time awake never has. There's so much I want to say to you.
(My chest tightens forcing me to pause. It's a strange senasation.)
I never thought I'd have to see you like...this. I hate it. I...
(There's that tightness again. What the hell is this? Make it stop! Now my anger is just mixing with the odd sensation in my chest. I try biting it back down. Part of me wants to beat on him till he either wakes up or dies. As if that will get rid of whatever is making my chest act this way. Push it down. Ignore these thoughts. My arm extends towards him, my fingers gnarled as if to be claws. Slowly they open till my hand is just resting on his forehead. I run my fingers through his hair.)
I need you to pull yourself back. It's not time...It's not time.
(That's when I feel it. A single drop of moisture runs down from my eye. A tear? I rip my hand back from him in shock. I haven't been able to cry in such a long time. My body hasn't allowed that as a form of emotional release in probably at least a year. Why now? I'm both relieved and terrified by it. Angel affects me deeper than I had realized. Damn him.)
See what you do to me...bastard...
(How I want to consider this a good thing. As proof that I'm reclaiming the more human part of myself. That I'm winning my battle against the demon within, but I can't. The other part of me is horrified. The monster that I am only wants to see this as a weakness. A crack in the reflection. Something to allow all my strength to drain out through and leave me empty. Then my chest tightens again. I feel like I can't breathe. Eyes watering as I struggle to keep oxygen flowing into my body. Somewhere in my panic a realization hits.)
Do I love you?
(Emotions flood my system. They overload my senses. I can't stay here anymore. Like a child I run away.
(I wonder if you heard my words that day. If you even knew I was there. Maybe I'll never know. Does it even matter? You're no longer comatose in a hospital. I no longer have constriction in my chest. We'll call it even. I'm still confused. I still lack control. I still watch over you from time to time. None of this I can help. Unfortunately, I have to leave soon. I have a flight to catch and a woman to punish for being born. Watch me Angel. My frustrations with you will be the cause of her cries of pain. Her loss of blood. Her tears. The physical manifestation of my conflicted feelings. So in a way, this time, I make Alexis suffer for you.)