(I review the entirety of my existence, from my origin to my current state. My mother didn't want me. She was more concerned with herself and saving her own skin. More concerned with not staying dead and getting her revenge. Gaining power. I was in the way of all that. I was a viable commodity to trade for those things. My father didn't know I existed till over a year ago. I don't fit in with them. I don't fit in with this world. The world doesn't want me. They see what I am and it frightens them. How could it not? It scares me. I have no true home in this universe. Just a series of places I am unwanted and don't belong to. Truthfully, I'm not even supposed to exist. I have no friends. No real connection to any other beings. My emotions are a scattered mess that don't consist of the same substance that composes the emotional makeup of everyone else. I've got an uncontrollable hunger for violence. An insatiable craving for the pain of others. A desire for my own agony. A need to flood my system with rage. I'm a cast off remnant. A creature as foreign to this dimension as dinosaur is to man. All this has only served to weigh me down. I've felt guilty for being this way. My isolation often heavier than I can bear.

I'm crouched on a roof top, looking down upon the people below as they scurry abou their nightlife. It's been dark a half hour and I've been here since the sun set. Just taking time to reflect on my own misery as I view those I envy from afar. I won't lie. I am jealous of the very masses that I so often pity. Those that get to go about their average lives doing average things. Experiencing a normal existence that allows them to worry about such stupid, trivial things. Not a care given by them for anything that truly matters. Able to take the breaks life has given them completely for granted and still feel like life has somehow screwed them over. While at the same time feeling the world owes them something. That silly entitlement they have such a great sense of. A luxury I was never allowed. I, both admire, and hate them for these qualities. Simpletons that feel so oppressed when they have no concept what true suffering is. It's true that emptiness is suffering, but their lives are empty, not they themselves. At least not in the way they think. If I could stretch my emptiness out I'd have it constrict around their throats and watch their eyes bulge out. The blood vessels in them popping to turn their whites red. Watch the realization flash across their dull eyes of how badly they wasted everything given to them.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I wish them harm....well not always. My not fitting into their world, or any other, just has a tendancy to make one bitter. Makes you want to show them your world. Your pain. Your reality. I never had anything. I'm not like Alexis. Everything wasn't handed to me. I don't glide through life taking everything for granted while expecting people to just give me what I want. I know things often have to be taken by force. I've scratched and clawed to earn everything I've ever gained. She wastes the very normal life she was so blessed with. Meanwhile I'm stuck on the outside. Watching my mind erode into something I don't even like. I spend all my time whining internally lately. Feeling guilty. Feeling pathetic and alone. How disgusting. I wanted to do things my own way. Find my own path. Become a better person. Where's it getting me? I can't respect the changes it's making in me. It seems there is no way to balance myself. Either I'm like a helpless little girl crying inside while only expanding on my own awkward weakness. Or I'm a mindless monster with no regard for anything. A beast without a soul or remorse. A raging machine designed only for destruction. What kinda choice is that?)

Fuck it...

(My fingers claw at my own hair in frustration. Why should I care about all this? Is this really an internal argument that boils down to mere semantics? I'm tired of this. I'm tired of trying to figure everything out. It's time to just accept some things and fight against everything fucking else! The decision is made. I have no need to sit up here anymore. Looking down on these people they are starting to just look like targets. I don't need them. I don't need their world. I jump down to a dumpster in the alley off the side of the building before hopping to the ground and merging into the darkness of another Anchorage night.)

Woe to those who would attempt to block the path to mine own salvation.


(To further avoid my own issues I'm going to take the time to happily delve into my own sickness and bask in the misfortune of another. Alexis needs the pain I supply her with. It's the only way she may ever manage to build any character. Something I'm more than willing to help her with...through force. I don't care about her, but at the same time, I'm extremely annoyed by her fixation on Moxie. I have spent tireless hours destroying everything the little bitch holds dear and yet she feels she has the spare energy to focus on someone else. Moxie shouldn't even be crossing her mind. She should be completely focused on surviving me...at all times. I should be her only concern EVER. I'm who decides whether she goes through the rest of her life as a cripple or with just a slight limp. I am her destroyer. The creature put on this planet to force penance on her through attrition. I will always be there. Waiting. Watching. I will always be the extended hand ready to pull her into oblivion. I would have hoped she'd figured this out by now. Her learning disorder saddens me so. Time to send her a little letter.)

Dear Alexis,

You've lied to yourself for so long. You've run from the truth. The reality you've built around yourself is an illusion. Soon I'll be there to help you see what the mirror truly holds for you. You'll see things the way they truly are. The realization will be exquisitely painful. You may have thought I was gone, but I've always been here. I've always been at the back of your mind. Pulling ever so lightly. Tugging at your fears.

You need me. You need the things I must show you. It's obvious you've forgotten. Once again I must remind you. Forget Moxie. Forget Robin. There is nothing but me...your destructor. I've been waiting for this for a long time. In some small, twisted little way you've missed it too. Once again you must realize that through me it becomes painfully obvious...destiny does not smile upon you. I'll see you so very soon. That's when the truth will be revealed to you. One that you've always known somewhere in the depths of your psyche...you deserve all of this.

Your punishment is at hand,