It's my true master. The one I have to feed continually just to be able to function. It's what has shaped the entirety of my life. It's why I've been so affected by this Alexis situation. She was handed the life I should have had and she cast it aside for the pathetic excuse for an existence that she lives. I never had the chance for normalcy. The more my mirror sister crumbles the worse things become for me. It's what prompted my father to show up. He could see the darker aspects of my nature taking more and more control. Even so, it was still extremely difficult to hear him compare me to my mother. I've tried so long to deny the similarities between the two of us. How much longer can I maintain that denial? Violence dominates my family. It's a lifestyle for my father and those who would follow him. It's what brings my mother joy. Like it's all she truly understands in this world. She feels the weak are supposed to be prey to the strong. For me, well it's a physical need. An addiction that can never be fed enough. I always crave it. My body always hungers for it.
People always want to talk about the wrestling business. "In this business" this and "fans keep us in business" that. How meaningless. Money, fans, promos, card placement...it's all trivial. It means nothing. There's nothing business about it for me. It's all very personal. Fighting is how I reduce my dark urges. Keeping those inner desires from consuming me is the focus. It brings me the violence. Most of my opponents are faceless beings for me to keep my hungers at bay. It's better for them if they don't have a face to me. Once someone truly gets my attention, and ceases to be faceless, I can't help but fixate on them. I can't let them go. I probably never will.
Alexis was first to gain a face in my eyes. Handed everything in life that I should have been. Then handed a title. Thought she was a big shot as we entered our first match. Oh the tag team she wanted us to be. She couldn't live up to all the things she'd been handed. I decimated her for it. Truthfully I guess I never stopped. Once I started, how could I ever stop? Countless matches, endless torment, and still I continue. I've returned again and again to stalk and mutilate her. She's mine. Now that I've realized our connection...I'll never stop until she is better or until I kill her. She'd better make a choice soon as my patience grows thinner each night. At the moment she is hidden from me, but not for long. Even now Ember searches New Jersey for her location. It's only a matter of time before I find her and fix her. Soon my reflection will be restored to what it should be.
Angel was next. It feels like so long ago. I was so confused about who, and what, I was back then. It didn't save him. I entered his life and immediately it was in ruins. I fell in love with him. He failed to keep his promise to find me when I was captured. For those two reasons I had to hurt him. I haunted him. Always coming back. Always getting close and trying to care. Always lashing out. I even came back once just to help Alexis against him. My poor Angel. I'll find you again some day my love. Then I'll have to decide if we live happily ever after or if I bury your corpse.
Then came Ember. Back then she was Robin Sparks. A nobody sidekick to Alexis Cage. A lost little girl I forgot existed. Till she decided she was the New Alexis Cage. Till she gave herself a face to me. I was immediately repulsed by her notion that she was anything like Alexis. I kept myself from scarring her like I did Alexis. I saw something special in her. So instead I took the lost girl away from everything. I broke her. I rebuilt her. I opened her eyes. I made her better. My pride in her grew. Then I almost wiped her off the planet over my frustration with Alexis. Something I still can't come to terms with. I do not wish to continue this pattern with her. I truly want great things for her in this world, but I'm afraid beings such as us can never truly find the happiness we search for.
Now there's Jesse Williams. His face partially appeared to me years back, but it faded from my vision quickly. I forgot him. I let him be. That was a mistake. I so clearly see him now. He's what ruined Alexis. The way he's ruined so many women. With her though he was extra cruel. He didn't just stick the knife in. He made sure to twist it and watch as she writhed in agony. He triggered the downward spiral that has ruined her. In order for her to rise up and be the woman I need her to be I must not only eradicate all his hopes and dreams, but I must crush him physically. He has to suffer. Suffer like she did for years. He must experience that same amount of trauma in a much shorter time period. I'm taking everything from him and he's watching me do it.
It's a short list. There's a piece of each of the first three in me. They are part of me. Soon Jesse will be too. Not only is this a list of those who have developed faces in my eyes, but it's also a list of all the people closest to me. I'm closer to them than the monsters that are my parents. I feel the bond between us. Bonds that just may never be broken. This is the only intimacy I know and I'm fully accepting of that. There's a part of me deep down that hopes I see no more faces. That others do not gain my attention. It is better to face a monster in combat than it is to develop a relationship with it. Woe to anyone who would attract my gaze.)