Now I fight to free Alexis from the bondage she's placed herself in. The shackles of weakness she's so happily locked down her limbs with. I need her to be whole again. I need her to be strong. My reflection is broken. What if this quest is futile as well? I'm not sure how I can handle that being the case.
I've sometimes wished her dead just so that this may no longer be a concern. I've sometimes wished everyone I know to be dead for the same reason though. No entanglements. No attachments. No upkeep. Just an island of me with no one to worry about. Nothing to matter. These thoughts are fleeting. I believe them to be a coping mechanism for the burden I rest on my shoulders. Do I actually want everyone I know to be dead? No. Do I wish to kill Alexis....well that is constantly in flux.
My main concern is fate. Are things just meant to be? Is the struggle itself just to learn things while having no direct effect on the outcome? Was it fate that caused me to become what I am or was it that I just finally accepted the truth and let my darker aspects take me over? Are people just hamsters running in a wheel? Struggling so hard only for the destination to be the same as when they started?
Though these thoughts cross my mind I can't truly wrap my head around it. I just can't believe fate to be true. I'm not one to just resign myself to accepting things. I fight them. I endure, and enjoy, the struggle. I determine my outcomes. I may not be able to control where I came from, but I sure as hell can control where I'm going.
I've noticed Ember has shed more of her humanity recently. Eventually she will probably ask herself many of these questions. Probably come to the same conclusions. I'm doing what I can to train her. I hope it's enough. I'm not used to companionship or teaching others. The whole experience has been new to me every step of the way. Though we have had some rough times, we seem to have repaired things from when I attacked her. I cannot let that happen again.
All these questions and worries are so pointless. They only appeared because I feel so helpless to solve anything at this moment. The Jack Hunt situation left me with two many questions. Too many things to be concerned about. With as twitchy as he was it's obvious to me that he knew his employers, or his team, were looking to kill him. He got in way over his head with people out of his league. Though I can be very patient, I choose not to be. I do hope these people don't keep me waiting for too long. I don't like unfinished problems.
The Alexis problem has gone on for too long. Jesse better be the solution to all of this. If destroying the man that sent her into a tailspin doesn't help solve things I'm not sure on the next step. If this doesn't help her make the first step towards pulling herself together it's going to be a long process picking up all the pieces. The possibility doesn't thrill me.
He must be made to suffer for her sake. I know it won't instantly undo the damage he did...or the damage she did to herself, but it's a start. It will open her bloodshot eyes. I believe that she will stop me from having to search. That she will reach out to me. She and I will fix my reflection together. Then I just have to keep from shattering her again...)