(Separating out the mind from the heart is not the easiest of tasks. For most they are very connected. People often mistake one for the other. Even I, at times, find it difficult to differentiate the two. My mind, not my heart, is the source of my obsessions with those who have developed faces to me. How can it be that I feel so strongly about Alexis and it be not from the heart? My mind is the source of most of my emotions. What my heart wants is something different. Though the two may at times intertwine, they are quite separate.
The endless assault on my brain, that is my fixation on her, is one it is self-inflicting. My mind's attack on itself. I'm not unaware of this. She poisoned it to be that way when her face became visible. Do people really think I want to spend my time focused on her? That I want this piece of her under my skin? Why would I want myself tainted in that way? Unfortunately it must be this way.
She's not the only one. It happened with Angel as well. Robin Sparks after that. It's happening with Jesse now. I didn't want any of this. They broke the silent agreement and made themselves visible. They invaded my personal space. They entered my mind against my will. All of them are under my skin. Pieces of them within me. I'm gaining a collection within myself that I never wanted. They caused this.
How can I stop from this course of action when they forced my hand? Why did they have to get close? Why must they invade? Once in, I cannot get them out. I will never regain my freedom from their entrapment. I feel them all even now. Writhing under my skin. They taunt me. Jesse thinks he knows me? He now attempts to burrow into my mind as he did Alexis. His destruction of her gave him a face. Slowly I see more of him. Slowly he becomes part of my torment. He'll soon find out how I react to this intrusion.
Robin Sparks sought to trespass within my mind. She used Alexis as her gateway. She forced me to see her. Then she compelled me to look deeper. I saw the signs of what she truly was. The greatness within her that she was unaware of. I slowly broke her down. Destroyed all she knew. I revealed the world for what it was. I breathed truth into her by taking residence within her mind. Now Robin is dead. Ember has risen in her place. The true self emerged. Her journey to self discovery was painful. Her transgressions were forgiven.
Angel was the first to assault both mind and heart. The damage done was substantial. My mind still seeks his distruction. It's in conflict with my heart. His intrusion was far more deceptive. He made me think it was a good thing. That it was helping me. He smiled in my face, held me close, then abandoned me to my fate. I see him whether my eyes are open or closed. Always there. There's only one I think of more...Alexis.
I see the bitch in my reflection. My every waking moment is taunted by her. My dreams mocked. My present haunted. My hopes for the future dashed. I feel her always. Her violation of my mind being the worst of anyone. She has infiltrated it so deeply that she now tries to encroach on the other parts of my being. Something I cannot allow to happen. She's forced entrance into my mind and body. She cannot be allowed to breach my HEART and soul.)