(My internal confusion brought so much pain six years ago. I struggled daily to fight myself. To fight what was within me. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to accept what I was. Slowly the attacks on my mind from internal, and external, forces caused my mind to push down my heart. The end result being what I am now. The conflict started out as one between heart and soul and became one between mind and heart. Mind won out. Heart was left supressed.

The truth is my mind loves the power that comes from feeding the darkness within my soul. It revels in it. It's intoxicated by it and lusts for more. It feeds it constantly. My heart wants none of it. It never has. All it ever wanted was a normal life, a family, and happiness. Not much different than anyone else really. The circumstances of my birth and childhood made the first two almost unattainable. My soul made happiness a distant thought. Of all my parts, my heart is the dreamer. The optimist. Though its outside blackens, I still feel it somewhere in there.

My heart wishes no harm to anyone. Not even Alexis. It wants me to leave her alone. Just let it go. Allow her happiness. It wants to see her thrive. It's conflict with the mind over Alexis has been twisted. Distorted into a warped desire to fix her. The mind alters much of what the heart desires.

If heart had won then there would be no Ember. Robin Sparks would be happily living a real life. She would have friends. She would still be in contact with her father. There's no doubt she would have found someone to share her happiness with. If heart had won I would never have kidnapped and changed her. Heart still weeps over this tragedy.

If there was ever a case of heart's intentions being destroyed by mind, it would have to be Angel. He never intended to hurt me. He felt the same way for me that I did him. We were stuck in impossible situations. He had no way of saving me. Heart always knew his intentions. Heart always called out to him. Mind couldn't have that. It contorted every signal sent. Made sure it was unrecognizable by the time it reached its destination. Poor bastard had no chance at normalcy with me. No one does.

Now Jesse is caught in mind's trap. Heart screamed in frustration when mind locked on him. He has nothing to do with anything. His failed relationship with Alexis was a product of horrible decisions being stacked on top of each other and fermented in piles of drugs. There was no possibility of it working. Alexis falling into her downward spiral was her own doing...mostly.

Does anyone truly think heart doesn't know the true cause of the downfall of Alexis Cage? Heart knows all too well it was me. I destroyed everything in her life that I could manage to touch. If my body is a lesson in history then hers is a history of torture at my hands. Mind refuses to accept that it coule be my fault. So it lashes out at everything else it can find to weakly attribrute fault to. Mind not only hurts everything around it. It's masochistic.

Through all the attrocities mind has committed it's amazing heart hasn't died. Heart has been in constant pain since birth. It's assaulted daily by the other components. By the world. It hides. It watches. It hopes to one day return. I'm not sure how that can ever happen as long as mind gets drunk off of SOUL.