(I want to absorb all the light around me as if it will instantly purify my past. Despite my efforts I find it difficult to just forget the things I have done. The lives I've touched with poisoned fingers. I've managed not to let it consume me as that would only help to drag me back down into what I once was. I don't allow it to haunt me much for the same reason. It is with me nonetheless. It's a reminder of the internal enemy that must stay forever restrained. Forever silenced.

I'm comforted by the warmth of the afternoon air. The grassy hill I lay on overlooks the woods and the shack we've been staying at recently. In a few hours I will continue my attempt at helping Ember. What we've been working on is diffult for her. In her mind it probably seems impossible. We need her to achieve this if I am to truly reach her. It won't undo the damage I've done. Nothing can do that...but it will benefit her future. That's all I can do for her.

I stare up at the clouds and imagine myself floating freely on the breeze. Without effort. Without weight. Just one with the sky. It's the most peaceful thing to ever come to my mind...That's it! That's how I can help Ember succeed in this exercise. It will give her a visual anchor to help her understand. She will succeed today. Then I will be able to reach her and truly help her. Eventually though she will have to choose for herself...

She's not the only one I want to help. Unfortunately I haven't heard from the others. I hope Alexis is doing well. I hope she finds some form of peace. That her nightmare has ended. She deserves it. As for Angel...well at this point I can only hope that he's still alive. The only person I've ever fallen in love with. It's been years now since I've seen or heard from him. Maybe he finally found happiness. That's what I want to believe. I worry that it's not the case. That his road has been as hard as mine. It always was back then. Only some of that was my doing. In my mind a cloud starts to take the shape of his face so I force him from my thoughts.

I don't feel entirely bad for what I did to Jesse. He and I seemed to come out of our battles on the same page. How we got to that point really no longer matters. Oddly enough my mind transitions from these thoughts to Dude Job. He was one of the lucky many who never had a face to me before the return of my heart. I don't feel anything negative towards him. I'm happy for him in getting his shot. I watched his exchanges with Perry and his friends. I only hope with so much on his mind that he won't be distracted. He's got more on his shoulders than I think people realized. He needs to shut all of that out when we face each other. We must be the sole focus of one another when that time comes. That's how it always should be...)