Now...well now they are completely different. We rarely even spar now. Whatever that is. Now she watches me do these exercises that I'm pretty sure she invents each day. She just sits there and smiles. Her eyes never leave me. Occasionally she says things that might as well be chinese riddles. The weird part is I almost always understand her meaning, if not her purpose.
Her old forms of training I spent my days in constant fear. Everything I did was reactionary for my survival. The things I had to think about were both tactical and emotional. I had to rely on my physical senses, react to the external, and try to keep her out of my mind. Her new teachings still carry an element of survival, but are not about fear or hatred. They are internal. It's not reaction to the world. It's proaction to the self. It's harder.
As I lay here I can feel layers of lingering pain. My back aches, leaving me no comfortable position. My legs continuously burn and have no strength. Only my arms match their level of agony. My feet are blistered and raw. I've also found myself to be constantly light-headed. Even now I can't tell if the room I'm in is real. Nothing seems to be. Tomorrow I get to do it all over again. This time with the pack the whole time. I would worry about how bad it will be tomorrow, but I truthfully don't have the strength. I badly need to save every bit I have if I'm to make it through my third day of this.
I'm frustrated, but even that doesn't help to push me. It's becoming a hinderance. It's difficult to maintain focus with frustration tugging at your mind. At first I was worried this was more about her trying to return my humanity to me. Something I'm aggressively opposed to, and don't feel is possible. I no longer feel that is the case. I think she's giving me what I truly wanted...and more. Once I saw that even with the taint of humanity she was still just as powerful I knew. I knew I still wanted to be like her. That I still wanted to learn. That I wanted her strength. I'll put myself through this to achieve that. Through anything. I don't care what it takes. I've never desired anything this desperately in my existence.
These thoughts have consumed me for what has probably been a few hours. I should be sleeping, but I can't. Too much pain. Too great a hunger for the power she has. Even exhaustion can't stop these things. When I collapsed after completing all twenty laps up and down the stairs she helped me to feet and sent me down and back once more. The next time she let me lay there a bit and concluded our session. I was grateful for it to end I had nothing left. Yet, her conclusion was I could carry the pack and buckets back to the hotel. It meant one more trip down the stairs. I fell down over half of them. Didn't even feel all the scrapes and bruises forming on my body. I was too numb. She casually walked down and helped me up and put the buckets back in my hands and made sure the pack was on straight. Then she sent me on my way while walking several steps behind me. That same smile never leaving her face. She's either my closest ally or my greatest enemy. My body would like to think it's the latter. My pain is its way of complaining. I'm okay with it. It just needs to be ready when I need it to function.
Once I made it back to the rental house she left me to go off and train on her own once again. That's part of what aggrivates me. I want to train with her, but more and more she does that part alone. At this point I'm not in the condition to even attempt that. It's at this point where my thoughts stop making sense as I drift to the world between asleep and awake. Still aware of my body, but my mind slowly fades into a haze to separate from it. Just as I'm about to drift off something lands on my stomach. I wince and my eyes dart open while my body reacts by sitting up. I look down at a large, water bottle. No..no..it can't be...no. I sigh. Yes. I look up to see her standing in the room. That same frustrating smile on her face.
You've had four hours to rest. Time to get back to it.
Part of me almost wants to burst into tears, but that won't happen. That's just some form of mental weakness wanting to break down. I can't allow that. No matter how debilitating my exhaustion is I'll force my way through it. She nods at me and leaves the room as I stand up. There's no rest for the wicked.
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