The Present

(Eleven days later and I can't say that the events of the funeral have completely left my mind. Mending things with my father was helpful. Some of my emotional burden was lifted by it. The impact of Svoboda's death is slowly fading to the background. I think that's natural. People process these things, but they can't be at the forefront of your mind all the time. When that happens people become damaged. Even with the fading I'm opening the show at the next PPV in honor of Piter. I think he'd appreciate that.

When something like that happens, most wrestlers will reflect upon the lives they've lead. I'm not much different. I looked at a lot of things. Rehashed my misdeeds and missed opportunities. I channeled these thoughts into my training of Ember. She still continues to amaze me with her devotion and resiliency. Her single-minded determination is impressive. I truly wish I could do more for her than I am, but I can't give back what I've destroyed. The evil that filled me claimed a great many things. Not something I wish to see repeated by her as my legacy.

Why is it when I find a better path to walk so many others have begun to struggle. Two names instantly come to mind. The first being Jesse Williams. His struggles have become very public. I feel bad for him. He's been shrouded by the darkness that surrounds him. Instead of reaching out to the people that care, he swings wildly at everything. Much like a wounded animal. I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to be angry. Far from it. He's just expressing it in the wrong manner. This is not the path I ever expected to see him on. I would like to speak with him, but he's not ready to listen. At this point he would view a conversation with me as an attack on his person.

The other man who struggles is Dude Job. His pain has been less public than Jesse's as of late. He feels betrayed and alone. Probably much like the world has forsaken him. The man I defended my title against is buried beneath layers of pain, mistrust, and confusion. Now I face him again. For some reason my title isn't on the line this time. A fact that doesn't sit well with me. Everytime I fight it should be a title match. If someone manages to beat me they deserve this belt. Losing would make me unworthy of holding it. Any loss should equal losing a title. It's the only way titles make sense to me. When I face him on friday I know what I'm going up against. A man torn apart inside. I can only hope, for his sake, that the calm within me will influence the chaos inside him. He's lost his way and it is my wish that he finds it again.

Then there's Moxie and Eva. I still pity Eva. She calls my title a trinket, yet it's everything she desires. For her this belt is an all consuming lust for power and validation. That validation would never make her whole. It would never be enough. Some people walk through life feeling slighted by every situation they stumble into. Somebody that broken cannot be fixed. It'll never be what she pictures it to be. It'll never live up to the fantasy she desires. From standing at the top of the mountain one gains a very clear view. Win or lose, for her, there can only be heartbreak.

Her partner is similar in many ways, but it's not validation she seeks. Instead it's admiration. The two are more different than people realize. Validation is achieved by having the world recognize your supposed greatness. By getting the world to agree with what you think makes you so great. It's a petty endeavor in itself. Admiration is equally as selfish and simple. It's achieved by making people love you. Trying to get the masses to hoist their affection upon you. Both of these motivations are caused by living through other people's eyes. Moxie has been doing it for years.

My former tag team partner is unable to look past herself and her desire for empty adulation. I won't deny that we once functioned well as a team. We were champions together. Unfortunately she continues to retreat further into Moxieland. It and the real world are never in the same place at the same time. Her comprehension of reality continues to diminish. She congratulated me on winning the World Title on two different occasions. I ignored both. It wasn't to slight her. I just didn't see either as sincere. They were both for publicity. Both to somehow stroke her ego. I once liked her. Now, I don't feel much more than pity. Their little tag team makes me sad. Now I face the team at the same time. I expect that they might end up fighting each other when their desires for gold truly kick in, but I hope they stay on the same page. On their own, neither will beat me. I can only hope this to more like a tornado handicap match. Let them scheme together on how to bring me down. I welcome it. If together they manage to remove the title from me so be it. I will not lament its loss. It will be deserved. Besides, if either one holds the belt their unhappiness will truly begin. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.)