Symbiotic Sickness

Fiona: And your point is?

On the other end of the phone is our older sister Felicia. She's six years older than Fallon...and she's a pain in the ass. Unlike us, she lives with her head up Daddy's *ss. She even works for the same corporation. Once in awhile she calls to keep us in line or something. Really I don't know why she bothers. What a joke.

Felicia My point is you two are wasting your time. Wrestling? You should be doing something productive. You two could have gotten jobs with us.

By that she means her and our father. I'm sure corporations really want a high school dropout like me. Sure, Fallon could have done it, but she's as disinterested as I am.

Fiona: We're both fine by the way. Sure glad you asked. You know where you can shove your little peptalk.

I don't bother to listen to her response. Instead I just hand the phone to Fallon and walk off. I don't need this crap from the princess. I'd rather chew broken glass than hold this conversation with her. I step outside and light a cigarette. Inhaling deeply I replace my anger with toxic smoke. It's a fair trade. Besides Fallon's occupied so I won't get the dirty look from her over it. I'd be perfectly happy having no contact with my father or Felicia. I have no need for them in my life. I only bother to try because Fallon still cares. Fal's been lost for as long as I can remember, but I've been right there with her. I know the truth. For all my anger, and my desire for self-reliance, I'd be lost without Fallon.

Sure, her constant looking out for me can be annoying as all get out, but she's there for me. In a weird way it's like she raised me. Mom died when I was young. Dad never cared enough to be home. Felicia...well she never counted. She was too focused on Felicia. It's been just me and Fallon. She's not much older than me, but she's taken care of me. I never wanted to make things difficult for her, but I can't help myself. I don't have the built in restraints she does. People probably think I want to be an argumentative, crazy b***h. It's not true. I don't want to be a burden on Fallon. She's all I got left. Do I wish she would loosen up some? Probably, but I don't ever want her to end up like me. I'd never wish that on her. In a lot of ways I'd rather be like her. I'm just not built that way. Still, I also worry about her. She hurts deeply. Her nightmares attest to that. I know she feels bad that I wake up to her screams several times a week. Truth is, I don't mind. With all she's done for me the least I can do is be there for her. She never talks about what happens in her dreams. I never ask.

I put out the cigarette and shove it under the porch. Outta sight outta mind. The door opens and Fallon steps out. The breeze blows the hair from her eyes. She sits down next to me, but says nothing. She hands me a cup of coffee. I watch the steam rise and disappear into the night air. We stare out at the setting sun. Its beauty isn't lost on me. I'm the first to break the silence.

Fiona: You think she'll ever get that stick removed?

Fat chance. Fallon half smiles.

Fallon: She cares Fi. It's just very misguided. She thinks she's helping us.

I snort at the thought.

Fiona: She doesn't even know us.

It's a moment before she speaks again. She prefers to think before she speaks. It's a foreign concept to me.

Fallon: She calls doesn't she?

I like to think she calls to be bossy and meddle not because she cares. I sip the hot coffee and watch as the sun further fades into darkness. A grin forms on her face.

Fallon: You sure you don't want to quit wrestling and go work with Dad and Felicia?

I can't help but smile and laugh. She usually knows what to say.

Fiona: Shut up.

She laughs at her joke too. It's nice to see her smile. We finish enjoying the sunset and head inside to the kitchen table. We should go to bed, but I like to stay up late and she...well she doesn't like sleep. We talk late into the night again. We talk about, wrestling, movies...everything except family.

Fiona: Yeah, but you have looked around some. These people are ridiculous. It's a locker room full of retards.

She doesn't appear to agree with me about the SCW roster. Big surprise.

Fallon: They're just trying to make it the best they can. They're no different than us.

I slap my hand on the table and look at her with bewilderment.

Fiona: Everyone is different than us Fal! Look in the mirror. I'm not saying we're normal. We're not even close, but these people don't have the same hopes and dreams you do.

I watch as she calmly takes a sip of tea. Sometimes even trying to argue with her is a pain. It can be deflating to have to wait for a response to something you are trying to passionately get across to someone. I think sometimes she takes longer to respond on purpose. This is most likely one of those times.

Fallon: They don't have to. Don't get so caught up in their BS. You need only worry about us. People are people.

What kinda answer is that, "people are people"? I exhale sharply at her words.

Fiona: Yeah, well people suck.

An odd, playful tone fills her voice as she stands up and messes my hair.

Fallon: Now don't be that way. People want to like you.

How can you argue with that? I laugh without wanting to.

Fiona: Whatever. Go to bed b***h.

I had figured going to bed to be her plan. She was looking more tired than I feel. We exchange goodnights and she heads off to her room, leaving me to my own thoughts. The kitchen/dining area suddenly seems far more dull and isolated. The vibrancy that it had only moments before fades into emptiness. I feel the smile drain from my face like melting wax. It's just me...and my mind. I sometimes think my mind hates me. It traps me and brings my heart pain. So much pain...I'm drowning in it. This isn't what life is supposed to be like. It can't be. I see other people. They aren't broken like us. I see them smiling with their friends and family. They can't ache like this. We're so utterly alone. Fallon deserves a better life. She could have really done something with her life. Even in a better world I wouldn't have been any better than I am now. In fact, without her I'd be far worse off. She could have done anything if we'd had a normal childhood. Instead she's shackled to me and I'm desperately clutching her like a security blanket. At this point I don't think either of us could make it without the other. In some selfish way I'm not sure I really want that to change. God, I need to blow off some steam. I'd go for a ride, but my loyalty to my sister wouldn't allow it. I need to be here in case the nightmares come. We may never talk about certain things, but I'd never let her suffer alone.