The Realization

(So there I was...holding her fate in my hands. With each movement of my hand, each extension of my arm, I could feel a piece of her slipping away. The blood spattering about. I could feel the warm, red liquid hitting my face as I repeated the movement. The sounds of the audience and the skaters fading into the background. It was almost blissful. To think I had the power within my body to decide someone's fate was more than I had ever imagined. Through me destiny was claiming her.

Even after they pulled me off of what was left of her I could feel the intoxicating energy that filled me during those moments. Being dragged away, as they put her on the stretcher, I could see the question in their eyes. Why? Why would I just suddenly stop playing their game and maul one of my opponents? Had she done something to me? Something to provoke it? I never gave them the satisfaction of knowing why. Truth be told, she did nothing. I can't even describe what compelled me to do so.

As I had skated around the track my eyes locked on her and I felt a pull. A deep emptiness opened up within me. It ignited my rage. It was an awakening. I gave into the desires that whispered silently to my heart. It was beautiful. It was an awakening. Creation brings about destruction and destruction brings about creation. I know my part of the cycle quite well. I was created. I must destroy.

Is that deep or just overboard? It's so hard tell. Who would have thought a woman with my background would receive this gift. I had what is no longer a typical upbringing in this world. My parents weren't divorced. None of the children were raped. Hell we even had family night. It sickens me. My father had a small law practice. No, we weren't rich. It wasn't a firm. Just a local law office. My mother didn't need to work so she had the time to nurture and spend time with the three of us. Ah, how happy the Ashton family was supposed to be.

My parents thought they could solve everything with caring discussions and hugs. How pathetic. They couldn't understand how I wanted none of it. Neither could my brother and sister. They couldn't understand why the school, and other parents, were calling them constantly. It's amazing they could comprehend anything. How could they understand me? They knew nothing of what I felt inside...or what I didn't feel. They just saw their pretty little daughter who just needed more love. What a crock.

What I needed was to be left alone. I needed to find what was missing within. It wasn't until the moment I hospitalized that woman that I knew what it was. What was her name? Actually I remember it, but I like to lie to myself and say I don't. It would just seem so much more fitting if I couldn't. More poetic.

Now after my arrest, my probation, and my training I look forward. To the future. Who would have thought my destiny would lead me to Italy. To SCI. To wrestling, for that matter. Truthfully I don't like the word "wrestling". It seems to diminish the feeling that it's fighting within my mind. I find myself suddenly sidetracked as I feel an enjoyable tingling run up my spine. I know what it is.)

Summer: Anticipation...