(Lately I've found myself growing bored...feeling numb. This shouldn't be. I get to fight daily. Shouldn't that be enough to stimulate me? Shouldn't that sate my hunger for violence? Apparently it isn't. I need more. It's been said that one should be careful what they ask for because they might receive it. I'm not able to heed that advice right now. I would have thought that after my match with Sven I would be happy. Well as happy as I can be anyway. There was so much pain, so much blood. We took each other to the brink. Still it wasn't enough. We should have pushed past the brink. So what if the wussy ref called the match? It's not about the wins and losses. It's the act itself that matters.
With the realization that I can't get my fill of the violence, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just feeding a bottomless pit. Maybe the void inside can't be filled. I can feel a pull from deep within it. There's something here I can't grasp. I try to push these circular thoughts from my mind as I sit in my torn up chair. I can feel the deep pain of battered flesh beneath the bruising that covers my abs. The bruises are a myriad of colors. There's a faded black, and purple, in the worst area and a putrid yellow in the areas that have almost completely healed. God that pain feels almost good in a way. I earned it. It's mine to keep for a short time. Much like a visiting friend. There for a short time and rather inconvenient to have. Toss in a very slight amount of fun.
Yeah, so, I only have one friend. Hell, she's the only friend I've ever had. I'm not exactly a person who plays well with others. Sure I've had lovers, but they weren't my friends. I didn't even care about them. Warriors fight, feast, and then claim their mate for the night. Once the night is over it's onto the next battle. It's supposed to stay that simple...animalistic. Still somehow it gets complicated because people feel the need to drag their feelings into something that isn't about the emotions they think it is. That's why I haven't bothered with it for awhile. I'd rather enjoy the solitude.
Solitude I've been losing slowly with Vivian's interference. I know she has good, albeit somewhat self-serving intentions, but I can't bring myself to just hang out. Especially with how she keeps dragging out those stupid folders and talking business and contracts and all that crap. How did the warriors of history manage to get anything accomplished with large armies of annoying people? It's amazing anything was done. Still that's probably why so many people were killed. People invaded each other's space and as a result people died. Maybe some day humans will learn that will always be the result of someone being in their space. Yeah right...
If that were always the case I would have killed Vivian the other day. What I really hate is that at times I feel bad for pushing her away. I shouldn't be burdoned with such miniscule and pointless emotions. I would never tell her I feel these things. To me it'd be a sign of weakness. Besides, it would be awkward. I detest that kind of wussy crap. I know she knows deep down that if she were in trouble I'd help her. If someone hurt her, I'd kill them slow and painfully. I think that's enough.)